My body, my mind, my orders
by Master Spy advenger
Summary: Alice and Rosalie are 'Ana buddies'; helping each other keep up with an anorexic diet. The only thing that matters to them is their weight, until they each meet a boy who seems to care so much about them. After years of the diet, can they give it up? AH
1. Ana and Mia, my BFFS

_I've come too far to take orders from a cookie_

_- favorite quote among anorexics.

* * *

  
_

Alice Brandon flushed the toilet, brushed her teeth, wiped her eyes, and unlocked the bathroom door.

She was able to walk out like nothing had ever happened, thanks to years and years of practice. This had been going on ever since she was eight or nine, starving herself until she couldn't take it any more, then eating and eating until she ended up in the bathroom with a toothbrush stuck down her throat.

On an Ana day (short for anorexia) she was able to forget about hunger, totally turn off the part of her mind that sent suck signals. This once went on for five days with her only drinking green tea and diet soda.

On a Mia day (short for bulimia) she was and would be hungry no matter what, she usually couldn't stop herself until about two thousand calories or more, then the shame caused her to walk into the bathroom calmly, pluck a toothbrush from the holder, and shove it down her mouth, until her well tarnished gag reflex kicked in and forced it up again.

Most people would think Alice hated her life, but she really actually liked her lifestyle. She would not be able to handle it, however, if she was fat like some of her classmates, and still cramming food down her throat. She much more liked the way she did things. After all, nothing tasted as good as being skinny felt.

And she was skinny. Her ribs were all showing vibrantly, and her arms and legs looked like they could snap at any time. Her hair was thin, and if you looked closely in her mouth, you would see the white blisters and rough and discolored teeth from all the stomach acids that passed through her mouth. The teeth part sucked, but it was nothing compared to what she would like if she was fat.

Alice sat down at her computer after she was done with her purge. She needed to talk to someone badly, she just wasn't having a good day.

She logged onto her favorite pro- eating disorder forum, and clicked to the sites instant messager, shifting through her contact list of friends she had met here. If it wasn't for them, she might have gone to recovery by now, and that thought scared her. She could keep this up for the rest of her life. Thankfully, her best friend on this website, Rosalie, was online, and Alice quickly typed her an instant message, which was responded to within minutes.

Rosalie: Hey

Alice: What's up?

Rosalie: nothing good

Alice: Wanna talk?

Rosalie: i gained like 5 pounds

Alice: HOW THE HELL DID U DO THAT IN ONE DAY?!

Rosalie: i woke up in the middle of the night & couldn't help it

Alice: We all have our moments

Rosalie: I'm gonna be obese

Alice: will not, i wont let u

Rosalie: Thanks Mia lover

Alice: Ana follower

Rosalie: Purge-alcoholic

Alice: chew it up & spit it out

Rosalie: ok, lets stop b4 we kill each other

Alice: Ok

Rosalie: i g2g, ttyl

Alice: c ya

Alice singed out of the forum after a few minutes of checking around the boards to see who answered what, and too see if she could find a new diet to try out. She was done with eating whatever whenever she could force herself during an Ana phase, but none of them seemed very good for her.

Alice had tried everything possible since she was nine, even diet pills. She lost a lot of weight on the pills, but the clerk at the pharmacy wouldn't sell them too her, so she would have to steal them, and only ever worked up the courage to ever steal one bottle. The last fifteen pills were still folded up in a sheet of paper and hiden in her desk, in case the time came when she bacame desperate once again, she had something to fall back , she would take a pill and just roll it in her fingers, amazed at how such a little thing could bring such good luck to her. With one bottle, she had dropped all most twenty pounds. Then, one of her parents would knock on her door, and she would shove the pill wherever she could so that they didn't see it when they opened the door a second later. One time, the only place she could think of right away was her mouth, and once in, it had been swallowed. She hadn't meant to do it, but she loved the feeling it gace her, either way.

It made her feel like she was going above and beyond the call of duty to lose weight, and the next time she looked in the mirror, she could all most like what she saw.

**Hey reader!**

**Thank you for reading this short little chapter, a review would be wonderful (:**

**Just a warning: I've had a very dark past with eating disorders, and this story is a way to vent so I don't go back. This means, Alice and Rosalie will NOT be having the best time in a little while, it's so I talk myself into not listening to the part of me that will always love being skinny. **

**And for all of you that are confused: Anorexia got the name 'Ana' by splitting Ano/exia, and giving it the 'a' sound you hear. Bulimia was spilt Buli/MIA. They are much more commonly called Ana and Mia as people than a disease. **

**And 'chew it up and spit it out' is a little trick some anorexics like, you chew some food, but don't swallow it, just spit it back out, that way, you satisfy cravings, but only swallow a bit. **

**You can hate me or think whatever you want about me for my past, but I felt it was more important for you to know where I am coming from and what this means to me. I am not looking for sympathy, and would prefer you didn't take my past out on my story, thank you. **

**Thank you for reading, it means a lot.  
**


	2. Inside she's screaming

**Again, this is a way for me to vent so I don't go back to basically not eating, so, with that in mind, we are going to backtrack into the start of Rose and Alice's problems.**

**And in case you were wondering, pro eating disorder forums like the one Alice and Rose met on DO exist. I am still on the member list on three of them actually, because I am too scared of being 'tiggered' back into an ED to go on just to delet my account, they are that pro ED. well...**

**ON WE GO**

* * *

_If you step on a scale and you have gained weight, don't eat for the rest of the day. If you get on a scale and you have lost weight, don't eat for the rest of the day._

_-On the tip list of most pro eating disorder sites._

* * *

Rosalie didn't mind when she woke up with a hunger headache, nausea, or light headed. Or better yet, all of the above. She considered it proof that she was doing a good job, a sign that she was 'passing' her diet. If she was walking and got so dizzy the world turned black, she celebrated in her mind, and if her stomach constricted, she rejoiced. Nothing felt as good to her as when she lost another pound, but there was always more to lose, one more pound, just like the pound she lost before. As she grew into teenage years, she got a 'progress report' every month, in the form of her period. She only got two or three a year, since every three or four months she ate normally for a week to 'kickstart' her metabolism, tricking it into think it didn't have to oberate at the super slow pace it was to prevent weight loss.

After about a year after her trouble began, when she was around twelve, she got her first major bonus, a somach that caved in and showed off her rib cage. Bones were bueatiful and nautral, fat was ugly and mutant like. She came up with her own set of rules, and kept a notebook full of 'thinspo' (pictures of rail skinny girls, usually in swimsuits that show off their rib cages and spins), quotes, lists of what she could and could not eat, and things of that nature. She tried to stay under two hundred calories on weekdays, three hundred on saturdays, and four hundred on sundays. Once a month she fasted for three days, and once a week she ate a 'full' sized meal for a mini metabolism booster. She didn't find it hard at all, the pluses were better than the drawbacks. She saw anorexia as an art, something mastered by few, a secret code to being beautiful. She wasn't ashamed of saying the word 'anorexic' to describ herself in her mind, she was proud of it actually. She was one of the few who had the will power to willingly starve, and could hold back on something fried in fat and full of calories. Calories did not make her feel better, being skinny did.

Rosalie thanked God for giving her the will power that he did whenever she saw a fat person walking down the street or in a store or something. The way they had layers of fat in their frond and massive roles hanging out of their shirts, she couldn't imagine looking that way and being happy. She didn't understand how any one could look that way and be happy. With her caved tummy, defined cheekbones, pin line legs and arms, even the purple shadows she had under her eyes, because starving made it hard to sleep and being tired reduced cravings, she felt beautiful... and even better, there was always room for improvment.

Rosalie remembered the first full day she went without eating. She was elven years old, not long after she first tried this new lifestyle. She went to bed that night feeling empty, and strong at the same time. All day people had offered her something to eat, and she always said she had all ready eaten or that she just was hungery. She had been strong, saying no to food and yes to thin. She felt perfect and wonderful, even if her mind was always on food.

Then came the tricks. She always wore a band around her waist, and snapped it whenever she thought about eating. After a few months, she had trained herself not to think of it, since the band hurt. Finally, she allowed herself to take it off. The train of thought stayed. If she ate too much in her mind (any more than five hundred calories a day) she dug her always sharp nails into her arms, a punishment that worked well. When she went for a doctor's checkup before she could try out for volleyball, she put little weights in her pockets and taped a few to her stomach, any where they would stay. When it came time to weigh her, she was a normal weight. At that same visit, she wore a light jacket and jeans, even though it was all most ninety degrees out. This helped make it seem like she had a normal body temperature (it had slowly started to drop to the point where her skin was icy). She passed the physical with flying colors. In the years that fallowed, she learned not to play school sports because of these visits, after years of getting only enough to survive, her heart had started to beat weird, her breathes were gaspy, and any one that felt any part of her body got only a handful of sharp bones. She joined the YMCA instead, no doctor visits needed, and she got to work out much more and know just how many calories she burned.

The came the forums and chat rooms. She typed in pro-eating disorder into a google serch, and got plenty of websites with awesome tips, tricks, thinspo, and the oards and chat rooms. They really did help her stay motivated, and helped her find ways to cover up and learned how do things she would have never thought of. She was amazed.

At the age of sixteen, she had all most totally forgotten what it felt like to be full, which was how she liked it. She was nothing more than a walking bag of bones, and she loved herself. She had been able to turn off the part of her brain that sent waves like hunger out, which was music to her ears.

Rosalie's parents were divorced and her mother worked all day, making her dieting very easy. She could even hide the weight loss if her mother had a rare day off and wanted to spend time with her. She didn't see any thing the matter with her, even though inside, she was screaming.


	3. The red bracelet

_Keep a trash can by you when you eat, if you feel like you are going to lose control, throw the food away and don't even think of eating for 24 hours. At least. _

_-Tip on most pro- eating disorder websites._

* * *

Alice was nine years old, and she held in her hands a letter she had found on-line when she searched one simple word, 'diets'.

_From, Ana_

_Hello, my name, as I am so often called by doctors and concerned parents, is Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa, but If you would like, you may call me Ana for short. _

_How often have you heard teachers and parents talk about you, saying you are so mature, so smart, and have so much potential? And where has that gotten you? NO WHERE! I can help you, in fact, I would love to be your faithful friend and guide you to your true weight. I will put a lot of time into you, and I expect the same in return. I don't have time for baby sitting, I am a very busy girl, and only have time for those lucky few who are ready for it. I expect you to lower your calorie intake and up your exercise, and to watch as I claw myself in you. Before long, I will always be with you. I am the part of you that wakes up and runs for a scale, the part of you that lovingly rubs the side of your stomach, getting to know your bones. I am the part of you that counts calories and fat grams, and the part that tells you when you are and are not fat. I will make you see an obese woman when really there stands a starving child. _

_Don't like it? Well too bad, because you cannot defy me. I am you, and you are me, we are one of the same, and you can forget ever going back to being the fatty you once were. _

_There will be times when you rebel, I hope not many. It hurts me to see you eat, because it will make you sad as soon as the food is gone. I don't want to see you sad, ever. That is why I am trying to help you lose weight, so you'll never be fat and sad again. However, there will be moments, where you will start to eat the food I have so carefully drawn a line across, trying to keep you away from it. You won't stop until you start to beg me to forgive you. You tell me you will do any thing, and I will take your cold body in my warm arms, and tell you just what can be done. I will make you go to the bathroom and throw up until nothing comes out but blood and water, and you can eb sure that you got it all. After that, you promise to listen to me, and to always take my advice. _

_And if you don't want to purge... there are other ways. I can forgive you if you cut yourself, so you can see your blood and feel the pain it caused me to see you eat. And you deserve to be in pain, you fat COW! How could you mess up all the hard work I put into you!? If you keep that up, you will be FAT forever! Do you really want that?! And for what, a moment eating?! A few hours of feeling full?! You sicken me, you wil never be good enough unless you TRY! _

_I hope this letter got you to get to know me a little more. Remember, I love you, and I can make all your dreams come true. _

_Love, Your friend,_

_Ana. _

The letter scared Alice. It seemed like a real person talking, and the words she said hurt Alice. The words made her want to stay thin, and never get fat. So she listened. She paid close attention, and let the new habits Ana brought her replace old ones.

The day after she found the letter, Alice started the rainbow diet. As one of the most popular crash diets, every day, you ate a different color of fruits and vegetables. Every day was planned out for you, all you had to do was fallow it. The diet allowed for exactly 679 calories every week, and required a fast of one day. Alice stuck to this diet for three months, then switched to the 'gymnast diet', a week long diet that only allowed 102 calories every day. On the gymnast diet, you could lose eleven pounds during that week. The Alice decided that one had too many liquid calories, and started the 'three a day' diet, in which you ate three pieces of fruit a day, at 220-310 calories every day. None of these diets allowed more than three grams of fat every day. she was never full, and that was the way she liked it. Being full made her feel fat, and she couldn't have that, could she?

She didn't mind that she had re-grown 'baby hair' because she couldn't maintain a body temperature, or that her black hair was thin and taking on a white tint. None of that mattered as long as nothing on her could be pinched or grabbed.

Alice could barely sleep as a side effect, one time, not for three days. Even if she was dead tired and weak from not eating, she still worked out. She ran for two hours a day, at the very, very least. The way she figured was this, two hundred calories needed an hour of exercise to burn it off and get any thing else that could be lurking because of it. She would do this sometimes to the point where she collapsed, and yet, she pushed on. She tested her limits every day, and whenever she ate even the smallest amount, she forced it back up again. That was the way she did things, and the weight loss was amazing.

She could have kept her lifestyle up for the rest of her life, she was happy with it. She didn't mind that she was always dizzy and tired, that was mental. If she was overweight though, every one would be able to see it. Alice wore her swimsuits and tight tops like a badge of honor, and on her wrist, the object that would make sense only to other people who were proud to say they had an eating disorder.

It started years ago when one girl thought about how often she saw a skinny girl and wanted badly to ask her if she had an eating disorder, so that they could link up and be real life Ana buddies rather than the ones most had on line. So, she came up with a way for every one who was proud of having an eating disorder and would like to talk to others that felt the same way to know each other out of a crowd. A red, beaded bracelet, you could buy or make yourself. If you saw someone that was skinny and wearing a red bracelet, you were to make eye contact and touch your bracelet and smile. If they did the same, you had a match, it they didn't, they were just someone who happened to be skinny and wearing a red bracelet. She posted this on her web-site, and people posted it on forums, chat rooms, blogs, their own websites, everywhere. It caught on so fast, Alice herself had met two friends this way. The red bracelet was a sign of your love to Ana, like a Christian would wear a cross to show love for God. Ana was to be fallowed at all times, because she knew best.

The red bracelet meant you were in it for life, no going back.


	4. the shock of her life

_For every one hundred calories you eat a day, infect some kind of harm on to yourself. This way, you will avoid eating. _

_-Tip on most pro-eating disorder websites._

* * *

Rosalie was knelt down in front of the toilet at school. She had done everything to make sure no one would catch her in the act, she left during class time, went to the freshman bathrooms so no one would even know her enough to spread rumors, and hid the toothbrush safely into the space between her jeans and her hip. She all most all ways had one tucked in there, just in case. She had to do it, even if there was a chance she would get caught, every one could see she was skinny, in the back of her mind, she knew none of them thought she was very healthy. Might as well dump the waste before it could settle on her waist.

She was so close, she felt it come closer with every gag. _Come on damn food, get up all ready! _She thought, thrusting the brush deep into her throat, feeling like it tore at her throat, ripping it as it went. The pain was unbearable like someone had stuck a white hot needle in every corner of her throat, but she had to get it out of her, there was no other way, it had to come! Before she could take it out and get ready for either a massive gag and another stick, or a stream of vomit and another stick, Rosalie could feel warm liquid gush out of her mouth and drip down her chin. It was slippery and thick, and she knew just what it was. _Oh God, Oh God, _She thought as she fumbled with the lock on the bathroom door and rushed to the sink as fast as she could. Dark red blood filled her mouth and polled around her chin, dripping on the floor and on her clothes. More was coming out, seeking an exit from her body, her poor, battered body. The blood was abandoning her, getting revenge for years of abuse. Rosalie spat in the sink and grabbed handfuls of brown paper towels, and after a few minutes, it seemed to slow a little. Rosalie calmed down enough to stop thinking she was going to die, and she noticed what the bathroom now looked like. _How am I going to clean this up? _She thought. There was a trail of blood leading from the stall to the sink, and was starting to dry. The sink looked like a war zone, and bloody paper towels littered the counter top. Rosalie herself was a mess. She looked scared out of her mind, and had blood all over her face and on her top and jeans. Blood was drying on the ends of her hair, and her all ready light headed world had increased. Blood still leaked out of her mouth a little, but it was okay, she probably had just cut her throat with the tooth brush. She slid to the ground, noticing for the first time she was also slightly crying and trembling all over. She had never been that scared before in her life, she was sure she had ruptured something and would be dead in minutes. It wasn't uncommon in the dieting gifted.

Rosalie had work to do though. Class got out in less than ten minutes, and this was a popular bathroom. Blood was even visible in the hallway, and certainly from the boy's bathroom across the hall. At any second, someone could walk in and see the gore Rosalie had unleashed. She threw away the blood soak towels, turned the tap in the sink as high and as hot as it would go, to get rid of the blood. She soaked a few towels with the water as well, and set on getting the blood off the floors.

Then, since she was the most lucky person in the planet, a person walked by to go into the boys' bathroom before she got all of the blood away from the view of the open hallway. She didn't move a mussel, praying the person wouldn't look toward the girls' bathroom and she her covered in blood and trying to clean the mess. It didn't work out that way.

"Oh shit!" the dark haired boy yelled, jumping a good three inches in the air. Did she really look that bad? "What the hell happened?" He asked, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Rosalie told him, "Just a nosebleed." She was hoping that he would accept this and walk away, but fate didn't have it that way.

"Nosebleed my ass, you look like you just gave up half your blood!" That was going a bit far, but what else could it look like, really?

"Why does it mean any thing to you?" Rosalie snarled, getting defencive.

"well considering I just all most had a heart attack seeing you covered in blood and gore, a lot." he told her, "Let me help you, do you need to go to the nurse? If that really was a nosebleed, somethings up with you." Before she could stop him, he started walking over to the girls' bathroom.

"You can't come in here." She pointed out, grasping at straws.

"When it comes to the prevention of the spread of HIV and AIDS, I think the admins will understand, besides, I'm anti segregation." He told her, not even breaking his pace. Who was this guy?

"Now, tell me," he said once the blood was cleaned, "how did you learn to have a nosebleed out your mouth?" Rosalie had forgotten the dried blood that caked the inside of her mouth, being caught up in the joy just to see the bleeding go down. There was probably still blood seeping out a bit, cut throats bled like mad. Then she locked gaze on what he was seeing, and gasped from the shock of it. She was such an _idiot. _Not two feet from them lay the toothbrush that Rosalie had cut her throat with, thrown to the side in the shock of the blood. The end was crimson, from about three inches down.

"That looks embarrassing." He pointed out. Rosalie didn't know how she could explain, there was no way out of this. An outsider knew her secret, it was only a matter of time before it got out. All her hard work would be thrown away, because she was too stupid to hold it in for a few hours.

The boy stood, and offered Rosalie a hand to help her up.

"Do you want a ride home?" He asked, "You can't really go to class looking like you just walked through the zombie apocalypse."

"I'd love one, even if you are a total stranger." She said, survaying the damage done to her outfit. It was ruined.

"Emmett McCarthy," He said, "and you?"

"Rosalie Hale." She told him.

"Now we aren't strangers any more," He said with a smile. Rosalie smiled back, then bent down to pick up the toothbrush, throwing it in the trash, not even bothering to pretend he hadn't seen it.

"How strongly are you against skipping?" Emmett asked, fishing around his backpack for car keys.

"Not at all." Rosalie told him, wondering why he would be in the freshman building if he was at least sixteen. It wasn't like this was the best bathroom, why would he go out of his way for it? it seemed stupid.

"Good, 'cause I was just on my way to do just that." He told her flashing a smile her way. That must have been why he was over here, trying to get passed the security guard.

Emmett had a black jetta parked in the student lot, and Rosalie climbed in the passenger's seat, giving him derections to her house. She only lived a few miles from the school, so they were there in minutes. Neither said anything the whole time, and Rosalie's only thought was the blood flagged toothbrush now sitting in the school trashcan among paper towels laiden with her blood. Someone would notice them today, and taped of the hallway would show just how left the bathroom covered in blood. Rosalie was toast, and she knew it.

"Thanks for the ride," Rosalie said, "and for helping me." before going to get out. She didn't ever want to see him again, now that he knew her secret. He had to be marked and fazed out before any sort of friendship started, him starting to feel attached to her could only end badly, because there wad no one Rosalie would ever love more than Ana and Mia.

He caught her arm on the way out, and looked her right in eyes.

"Rosalie, promise me you're going to get help. That's a serious problem you have going on there."

Why couldn't he see it wasn't a problem? It was her lifestyle, her religion. She would be lost without her two goddesses, Ana and Mia to guide her, to love her and watch out for her. They were far from a problem, they were her saving grace.

"I will" Rosalie said quickly and quietly before getting out and shuting the door.

She didn't know that she would soon be dying to see him.

* * *

**Hey, it's Master spy advenger, and I want YOU to help me! **

**I've known since the start one of the two girls (If not both) would not see the end of it, but I don't know who it will be. Review and tell me if you think it should Rosalie or Alice, or even both if you're in the mood this evening, because I want to make this story more enjoyable for you, since 'having fun' will be hard for me either way (as this story is designed by me to scare the crap out of me, having fun will not be something I can do with this)**

**You have a big voice in this, if not all of it. I'll make my mind up when I have 15 people tell me who they think it should be, because that's the lowest number I can draw a clear majority from. If I don't get 15, I won't quit with this story, but I will make my own mind up on who dies, and all the people that did cast their vote will be disapointed.**

**As all ways, thanks for reading**

**-Master Spy advenger**


	5. Being Punished

_Carry something in a small container (cleaning products, liquid shoe polish, etc) and put a few drops on your food whenever you are forced to go out and no one is looking. No way in hell you'll want to eat it, no matter how hungry you are. _

_-Tip on most pro-eating disorder sites. _

* * *

Alice woke up not being able to breathe. Any air she got came in short little gasps, and each seemed to only have a tablespoon of oxygen in it. She rolled onto her stomach and pulled herself up on her elbows, trying to ignore the horrible pain it caused her sides. She gasped, and she could hear the whispering sound the small amount of air made in her throat. Alice nearly gagged on the air, trying to breathe fast, so she could get more in. She coughed, which was a good sign. You have to be able to breathe in order to cough. Her sides were exploding in pain, like someone had just set them on fire, after shoving paper down her throat. Alice was panicking.

In the middle of this, she started to feel dizzy and light headed. Her world was going black, she could feel herself slipping away. She had to stay awake, she couldn't let herself faint like she wanted to. If she fainted, she was dead, it was that simple. She had to fight whatever was going wrong in her, she might not know exactly what was the matter that was making her feel this way, but she knew it was from not eating. She didn't remember the last time she had. Three, maybe four days ago? She didn't know for sure, only that it was a really long time.

Now, her body was getting its revenge in a horrible way.

_Dear God, I'm going to die._ Alice thought, still trying not to slip away, a task that was becoming harder and harder every second. She could barely breathe, and it was getting worse and worse every single second. Even the smallest of gasps deepened the pain in her sides, and it made her want to stop breathing, it hurt so bad. She wanted to check and see if someone had stabbed her and that was why she was having so many problems, but she could barely see, she was so dizzy all she saw was a black sheet.

_Don't do this, Ana, you wanted me to do this! _Alice thought, desperately calling out to her friend who also her fiend, abandoning her while she was in such a horrible mess._ I must have done some thing wrong, Ana wouldn't do this to me if I was doing every thing I wanted her to do! _Alice thought, knowing right away it was her fault. Maybe if she had gone to work out today instead of skipping because she felt too weak from hunger to even lift her head, she wouldn't be slipping into a black hole, with no chance of getting out. Ana got what Ana wanted, why did Alice question that? She should have tried harder, tried until there was nothing more she could do! It would serve her right if Ana killed her tonight, took her soul and found another body to call home in Alice's place. Someone who would listen to every word she said, every act and order fallowed perfectly. Had Ana thought Alice would be a nice little order fallower, and that was why she set up shop in her mind? She must have.

But not right now. Right now, she was getting her revenge.

Alice sat up and clutched her sides, willing them not to explode from the pain of every thing, the pain she wanted to rid herself of, but could not find a way to. Her lungs begged for air, any amount, because her throat had almost totally shut up, Alice tried as hard as she could to do the simple act of breathing, but she was unable to, save for a few times here and there. She could not think, she could not see. A bomb could have gone off and she was sure she would not hear it, not hear anything but the sound of her brain frying, see nothing but the pops of light before her eyes, and feel nothing but the pangs of pain and want, calling out to her body.

Finally, after what seemed like hours of this torture, Alice fell back to where she had been sleeping, only now, she was unconscious.

* * *

Alice slowly began to find her body parts. Her mind began to drift back to the real world, and her lungs filled with wonderful air. Light filtered through her eyelids, and she wondered what time it was. Then she remembered the night before, and her mind filled with nothing but the horrible, terrifying memory.

She opened her eyes, surprised that she was still actually alive. The night before, she was so sure that she was going to die, she had never been so scared in her whole life. Ana had punished her, it wasn't the first time it had happened, and it wasn't the last, either.

Ana was much more strict than Mia. Mia could be forgiving, maybe you would binge and only make yourself puke one time. Possibly, you could eat a normal sized meal and not throw up at all. Mia was like the girl in school who would be a mean bitch to you at times, but when you were down and crying your eyes out, she would be there, rubbing your back and telling you that every thing was okay, that you didn't do any thing wrong. She would tell you that tomorrow was another day and you could always try harder, you could always make it up. She would tell you how good of a job you had done in the past for her, and that she had faith in you to keep at it the next time, that this was a one time mistake.

Ana, on the other hand, would be screaming in your face for crying. She would tell you that you were being a weak baby, that you can never be pretty and thin if you keep acting like a blubbering baby for the rest of your life. And while she was at it, she would cuss you out for every thing you ate, no matter how tiny, over the past week. She would pace in front of you, wearing tight jeans and a tank top to show off exactly how skinny and beautiful she saw, giving you eyes that felt like they would cut through your skin, her words so sharp you could cut yourself on them, lashing out at you. And you would sit there, trying to control your tears and begging for forgiveness.

And when it was all done, Ana would sit down next to you and smile. She would tell you that you had just said 'yes please' to skinny, and that she was proud of you. Your heart would lighten, and you would fill with pride.

Break Ana's rules, and she would punish you so badly that you would never want to do any thing to make her mad again. And there were only so many times you could be punished before Ana got fed up with dealing with you and just ended your life. She would do it painfully and slowly, dragging it out so you could understand jusy how much of a failar you were, just how weak you were. She would challenge you to beat her, and you would always lose. Always.

Alice got lucky this time, Ana allowed her one more chance to make things right.

As if she wanted Alice to remember just how badly she had messed up, and that she was lucky to be alive, she still bore some of her punishment. her sides were sore from trying so hard to breathe, and she seemed unable to get air in fast enough, she wanted so much, to suck it down. Being able to breathe normally was the most wonderful thing Alice had ever felt, other than the little high she got every time she lost a pound. That was some thing that simply could not be beaten.

When Alice tried to get up though, she felt a flash of white hot pain at her rib cage. She thought it was back again, that she was soon going to have the air sucked back out of her. But she could still breathe fine, except for when she took a really deep breath, then her rib cage hurt again, sharply. She rolled up the side of her top to check on it, and gasped at what she saw.

An area of her rib cage was swollen and dark, almost black, like a huge bruise. In the middle of it was a tiny bump. Alice heart lurched when she saw it, and she wondered how she could get out of the house with her side looking this way and not being in horrible pain. Alice placed two fingers on the bump, and took them right off, the pain they made was horrible.

_Wonderful. _Alice thought, _I broke it from all the coughing. _

Alice knew that there was really nothing you could do for a broken rib but take it easy and let it heal on its own, so she didn't need to let her parents know. And thank God for it, because she would be questioned out to China if they saw it. She just had to hide it, hide it, and not piss Ana off again.

_I'm sorry Ana, I'm so sorry. _Alice thought, vowing to do better.

* * *

**So, I still need nine more votes before I will set the final stone in this story, but for right now, it looks like Rosalie is going to be it. **

**Also, I just wanted to let you all know the wrap day for this will be Feburary 25th, it falls right in the middle of Eating disorder awarness week. **

**I'm thinking it will wrap around 45-60 chapters, I know that sounds crazy, but this story is too much for a small amount of chapters, and I can almost promise it will not be under 60,000 words. **

**And now, in the words of bugs bunny: "That's all folks!"**


	6. keep the secret

_If you get a craving, count to 100, and maybe it will pass. If it doesn't, do every thing you can to resist it. Remember, food is evil _

_-Tip on most pro-eating disorder websites._

* * *

Rosalie ran from the car and unlocked the front door of her house with the key around her neck. The familiar sights welcomed her, and she slammed the door with a bang, as if it was the door's fault that she had messed up so much. She couldn't believe she had allowed someone else to know her secret, someone who did not share her common goal. It was impossible for her to grasp the fact that within the day, the entire school would know exactly what Rosalie had done in the bathroom.

She knew one thing was for sure, she could never see that Emmett guy again. He would press her for information, he would bring up the thorny topic again and again if she gave him the chance. She would have to ignore him at all costs, go out of her way to stay separate from him. Her secret _would _stay safe, now matter how far she had to go to do so. If Emmett tried to track her down, she would do whatever it took to make him never want to speak to her again. She didn't care how many people she had to make absolutely hate her, she only cared about the approval of two people, their three letter names calling out to her where ever she went. Rosalie had no doubt in her mind that no matter what, she would always put those two people before any one else. Always.

One person had found out her secret today, now she had to prevent the finding of another. She changed out of her bloody shirt and jeans and stuffed them in a garbage bag, then took the bag to the side of the house so her mother wouldn't find them. She made sure there wasn't a trace of blood left in her mouth, and washed her hair to get any of it out of her white blond strands. She had done a pretty good job of covering up, except for the whole Emmett thing, and the fact that her bloody toothbrush now sat in the bathroom at school ad-mist blood soaked towels and what not. She should have thrown something clean on top of all that, since no one pays close attention to what they see in the garbage, but she was too preoccupied at the moment to factor that in. She was such an idiot! Any one could have seen it by now, and if it was someone from the last class she had been in, they could easily put two and two together.

Rosalie wondered how long she would have to let her throat heal for. Cuts could take a long time to be all the way better, and unless she wanted to explain why the bathroom was full of bloodstains, she had better not even try to purge before she could one hundred percent certain it was healed. That could be weeks, as Rosalie well knew. She hadn't gone so long without purging in years and years, so it was reasonable that she had her own self doubts about it. Did she trust herself not to be tempted just to try after eating? Did she really have it in her to resist? She didn't think so, she was so used to just _doing _it, it was part of her daily routine. Every day getting ready for school was the same thing for her as all her classmates, with only one difference. Every single morning since she started middle school she purged at least once before leaving the house, and now, she would have to skip that for weeks. Would she just do it out of habit? Forgetting that she had cut her throat and could not?

Rosalie was going to have to put an amazing amount of trust into herself. She didn't know if she should, or if she would be able to hold it. Her life was like a thin rope holding the titanic alone, one false move, one unsure moment, one sign of weakness, and it was all over.

* * *

Alice slipped into a tight top, knowing that even though it would show the bump of her broken rib, she had to have some thing holding it slightly firm. It was the best thing she could think of doing for it, since there was no way she was going to tell any one about what happened last night. She didn't feel like being admitted to an eating disorder hospital just right now or... ever for that matter. She didn't need help, she was just fine, if not better than most people. People say you can die from being skinny, but don't they see the dangers of being fat as well? Every day people died from having heart attacks and strokes from being too god damn fat! Alice was much better off skinny, the way she was.

Alice could go on living this way forever, she wasn't going to die unless she ticked off Ana again, then she might be in trouble, but there wise, no. Her body didn't have to work through all that gross fat, her body didn't feel the strain of working to supply blood to every part of her messed up body. She was fine, there was nothing the matter, nothing that needed fixing for sure. The rest of the world needed fixing, that was it. When was the last time you left the house and didn't see some hugely fat person? Alice couldn't remember, it was so long. It was like they were every where! Any amount of fat was a sign of weakness, a sign that you had no self control. Alice's self control was superb, and her healthy bones showed it.

She made it out of the house to school without any one noticing the bump, and she hoped that no one would when she got there. She would have to lie, and make a pretty dang good lie up at that. She wouldn't let any one know that she had coughed so hard for so long last night that she had broken a rib and then passed out. That was for her to know and her only. Not even Rosalie was allowed to know, and she was her best friend who had probably had some thing like that before. That would be like publishing a secret your best friend had trusted you with, and it wasn't too far from the truth, to be honest. Ana didn't like people even hinting what went on between you and her, and Alice didn't want to go back on that trust in even the tiniest amount.

But, even so, Alice should have guessed that _someone _would notice the little bump on her side, so she spent all day trying to make sure it was as hiden as she could get it. She really did try her best, and almost made it to the end of the day. And yet, with one period left, a whole forty-five minutes, someone saw it. She was changing into her clothes for PE, and when she took off her top, someone saw the huge bruise with the bump as a target in the middle, and couldn't keep it to herself, she had to call it out and ask what it was.

"Ouch." She cringed when she caught a glimpse of the purple and black, "what did you do, Alice?"

Alice had planned out what she was going to say, and the words fell softly and freely from her mouth, like they had been dying to get out, like Alice herself had convinced herself they were the truth. "I triped and fell down some stairs." She said simply, like it was no big deal, slipping her PE shirt over her head to cover the evidance.

"Why are you doing PE then? Can't you just sit out?" The girl, someone Alice had known since the third grade, her name was Brianne, asked.

"I don't want to take a zero for the day in the easiest class there is," Alice told her, "Besides, it's not nearly as bad as it looks."

This seemed to satisfy her, and Brianne went on getting ready for PE herself. Alice had pulled it off, now, there was no way any one would question her again today about the stupid thing. It was all in a days work. Keep the secret at all costs, even if that cost was your life.

* * *

Rosalie had to be seeing things. There was no way Emmett was standing right next to the enterance of school, on the day right after she met him, when she had never seen before at school. No. Freakin'. Way.

Rosalie prayed to God he would leave before she had to go to those doors, but the bell had already rung and if she didn't hurry, she would be late for class. Rosalie wanted perfection in every thing she did, a tardy was just the kind of thing she went out of her way to avoid. The only reason she even skipped yesterday was because she was glad to just be alive, and knew she couldn't go back to class covered in gore.

And then, as fate would have it, Emmett saw her in the deserted courtyard and moved from his post, walking toward her. What were the odds that he had just happened to be standing right there, at that moment, and decided to come in this direction? Rosalie figured close to zero percent. She really didn't want to have to deal with him just then, she was already in a bad enough mood from not being able to purge herself that morning, and she was going to have to get used to it for the next three weeks. Rosalie tried to figure out a way to get away from him, and hoping he would forget all about her by tomorrow, but it was too late, he was standing right in front of her.

"Hey," He said, blocking her way to the school. Rosalie knew he was going to get to the hard stuff soon, and she would just prefer he got it doen sooner rather than later.

"Hi." She said to him, not daring to look him in the eyes. If she did, she might see some thing she didn't want to, like the fact that if he waited out here for her, he had to care about her, and that caring emotion was what broke her down. Seeing that caring in her former best friends eyes had been what made Rosalie tell her she never wanted to speak to her again.

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay." He told her, sounding hurt. She right away wished she hadn't put that cold and harsh tone in her voice, hoping it made him just leave her alone. She hoped she didn't hurt him.

"I'm fine." She said, trying to lighten her voice, make it sound like she didn't want to kill him.

She didn't even fool herself.


	7. Fix this evil race

**Hey, It's Master Spy Advenger, and I need your help once again! I am looking for a beta for this story, but I don't want someone who has not read this story and does not like it, so picking from the list they supply on here is not really an option. If you would like to be my beta, PM me, or review, or whatever you want to do, but really I need a beta! Thanks!**

* * *

_If you feel like eating some thing, make a list of all the reasons you shouldn't. Read this list until you want to puke._

_-Tip on most pro-eating disorder websites._

* * *

Wasn't it weird how things that you totally never planned to do, some thing that was totally spur of the moment, seem to have the biggest impact on your life? For that every thing was a chain reaction, the tiniest action could let off a whole string of other ones. Maybe if a high powered Hollywood agent didn't ask all his female clients to lose weight and all his male clients to visit a gym more often, one or two or who knows how many girls wouldn't become anorexic. Maybe if Alice's mother hadn't wanted her to go to the store with her one day when she was little, and she didn't come across a glossy magazine with a rail skinny girl on the cover, she wouldn't have felt bad enough about her body to fall into the pit. These kinds of actions were all linked, and it was startling the things you over looked.

So when Alice decided to stop at Starbucks on the way home from school, hoping that a little caffeine would cancel out the cravings she was having from not eating in at least four days, she didn't think it would be any thing life changing. She thought it would be like any other trip to Starbucks she had ever made in her life, which had gotten more and more common when she got her car last month and could drive places herself. She smirked when she thought about the deal she had made with her parents _'Only if you gain weight' _their words echoed in her mind, hallowing it out and making her almost laugh. Really they really naive enough to go on thinking she still ate every day? She was disappointed in them. They could do better than that. Make a pathetic little halfhearted deal and call it quits. In reality though, it only made Alice's life easier.

The warm air that blasted Alice when she opened the door to the tiny shop felt so good on her vampire icy skin. She was always cold, any amount of warmth was always highly welcome. Alice ordered a vanilla latte with soy milk (half the calories as regular cow's milk, and with nearly no fat, since it came from plants and cows milk is meant to fatten a calf up in less than a year. It's a no brainer.) And went to sit by the windows.

Alice loved the view of Portland you got from the windows here. Portland was full of all sorts of weird people, and Alice liked every one of them, they were all unique. She wasn't one of those eating disordered people who had to have every thing be perfect all the time, Alice simply lived to be skinny and hated being full. She had nothing against weird people, and knew she was pretty out there herself. And with this view of the grand city, she could see over to the river through cracks in the dirty old buildings, and the busy streets were always full of cars and motorcycles and runners, no matter what the time of day. She loved this city, and knew she would probably never live any place else.

"You look deep in thought." Someone commented, sitting down next to her, like he had known her all his life.

He was a blond haired boy, with honest brown eyes and a fading tan. He had to be at least a foot and a half taller than Alice, and he was very muscular. Alice knew that he could not go to her school, there, all the boys saw her as _that _girl, the one who always looked sick, who no one ever saw eat lunch, who people were started to get suspicious of. Every boy in school thought she looked disgusting, but Alice didn't care, she loved Ana more than she could ever love a boy, or any person alive for that matter.

"I was." Alice admitted, taking a sip of her coffee. She refused to drink coffee or any thing like it if it was not hot to the point where it burned her tongue. She like it that way, for some unexplained reason. The hot liquid bubbled and fizzed in her mouth, and she loved it.

"Oh, you probably think I'm some creepy stalker," Jasper said, a slight smile coming across his face, "I'm Jasper Whitlock."

"Alice Brandon." Alice said, still looking out the window intently, like a lioness who's hallow eyes watched an elk, her mind on the meat it would provide for her babies. She wondered why he was even talking to her, it wasn't like random people always came up to her.

"And what, may I ask, is so interesting out there?" He asked her. Alice was almost annoyed by him, but at the same time, she liked having him around a little. It was like she didn't know how to feel around him. Someone else always did her thinking for her.

"The world." Alice said simply, losing herself in it even more. She couldn't take her eyes off the moving world, the dance of people. One out of every fifty people out there had an eating disorder, too. When she thought that word, her side began to ache again, as if a silent reminder of what she had brought upon herself last night. The fearful memory was enough to keep her off food forever. "What brings you to this Starbucks on this day?" She asked, knowing how hard it was to keep a one sided conversation up. She would be annoyed with her if she was him, should she not ask him a question in return.

"I'm not sure," Jasper told her. "Life. Death. The fact that this place can get me inspired like no place else can."

"And what would you need inspiration for?" Alice asked, getting into it know. She had almost forgotten what it was like to talk to a 'healthy' person without wanting to bitch slap them in their fat face.

"Believe it or not, I write a little poetry." Jasper told her with a slight chuckle, relaxing a little in his seat. Sure enough, there was a leather bound notebook tucked under one of his arms, no doubt containing years of work.

"Poems about what?" She asked, eyeing the notebook.

"Whatever I feel like, really," He said, nudging the book toward her, "places I go, people I meet. Maybe tonight, I'll be writing one about you."

Alice opened it, and read the first poem on the first page quickly.

_The darkness falls beneath the sky  
Where devils rule  
And Gods collide_

_The land is laid to waste  
and angels fall to grace  
The sun acts like a brace_

_And I am here to pace  
Along this dreadful place  
To fix this evil race_

"You wrote this?" Alice asked, flipping through the rest of the book. Hid poetry was all over the place, some of it was dark, some gleeful, and a few were a cross that Alice could not figure out.

"Well yeah." He said, sounding nervous, "Do you like it?"

"I love it." Alice admitted, fully telling the truth. She had never met a boy that could write poetry like this. Some were better than others, she would admit, but overall, it was wonderful. Better than what she could write, that was for sure. "How long have you been writing?"

"Since I was eleven," Jasper told her, "And let me tell you, I got picked on for at school. I think I might be the only boy to never do one sport in middle or high school."

"Wait, are you graduated already?" She asked, surprised by this fact. He had a very boyish look to him, she didn't think he was much older than she was when she first saw him.

"Just last year, I turned nineteen last month." He told her, "How old are you?"

"Only sixteen." Alice told him, sort of in a daze as she started reading another poem. She hadn't spoken to many boys who were out of high school, but she knew that most of them didn't act like Jasper, he was so... so _deep. _Most nineteen year old boys were beer guzzlers at the party school, hooking up with a different girl every weekend. Yet, Jasper spent his time talking to strangers in Starbucks, writing poetry.

Suddenly, Alice remembered that she had to be home to watch her baby sister before her mom left for work, she was going to be in so much trouble if she was late!

"Jasper, I have to go." Alice said, standing up and starting to slip into her jacket.

"Wait," He said, "Can I call you some time?"

This was _not _happening. Alice had never had a boy act even remotely interested in her, this was the very first time. None the less, she programmed her number into this almost strangers envy2 and he said he would text her some time today.

On her way home, the line '_Maybe tonight I'll be writing a poem about you' _popped into her head. She found herself wishing he would.

* * *

**And for all of you who are wondering, I wrote the poem from Jasper's book. I did it in like three minutes, so I know it sucks, but whoever can come up with a title for it will get respect from me *winks hopefully***

**Another update will be later today, maybe during the evening if you're into my whole late night vampirey update habits. Thanks for reading, it means a lot. **


	8. Friends?

_Watch other people eat, and feel superior!_

_-Tip on most pro-eating disorder websites_

* * *

Rosalie was seriously starting to get really, really annoyed. It was one thing for the kid to wait in the front of the school for her one morning, the morning after he saw her in the after shock of blood puking, but _every _morning? That was major over kill. It was sweet of him and all, but Rosalie seriously just wanted to knock him upside the head! Maybe that would make him leave her alone once and for all. Why did he even care? What made him want to talk to her every day? He sure did go out of his way to find her, cancelling out the effort she put in to stay far, far away from him. Most normal people would get the point that she didn't want to talk to them any more, and that they should go get a life or some thing. But not this person. When she tried harder to avoid him, he only tried harder to get to her. He acted like he had won a game of hide and seek whenever he found her in the morning, and Rosalie could only imagine that she looked like the kid that had been found.

After a week, Rosalie had just about had it. She was always one second away from screaming at him, but some thing made her hold back. Deep, deep down, she liked having her around, but that all powerful force that had been her driving force always took over before she could think of him any further, seeing him only as an enemy. Rosalie told herself that she didn't try and make him really, really mad at her because then he would have a reason to spread her secret around the school, and then risk it getting back to her mother. But was that really what she thought? She wasn't sure. Her thoughts were always split in two, thoughts that were hers, and thoughts that were ruled by Ana and Mia. It had been so long that Rosalie's thoughts, the three of theirs all mixed together, one train of thought in a horrible crash, Rosalie never knew if what she thought was _really _her opinion or not, if that made any sense.

"Look," Emmett said, one week to the day that Rosalie had cut her throat. One week since Mia got her way, and it was showing in her actions. She was cranky and short wired, and always on edge. "I know I don't understand what's going on right now with you, and I never will, but..."

Rosalie cut him off, "Yeah, so why don't you just mind yourself?" She snapped, not in a good mood to start, she didn't need this to be brought up.

And to her surprise, he laughed. "Because, Rosalie. I don't want you to die, even if you don't care about it yourself, I do."

Rosalie's blood ran cold. She had never once heard that line come from someones mouth, and having it be aimed at her. People had always had that 'maybe if we don't talk about it, it will go away' type of attitude around her. She had certainly never had it come from someone she hardly knew.

"You don't even know me." She mumbled, not knowing what else to say. There would be no 'I'll get better' or 'yes I do care if I live or die' moment if her life, she was going to act this way until Ana or Mia said otherwise, and no sooner.

"I know you enough," Emmett told her, "enough to know that I do not want you to go away forever, and because of some thing that can be stopped. You need help, Rosalie."

That blew it, if there were two words she could not stand in this world, they were 'get help'. Rosalie needed no help, she was perfect. Much more perfect than any of the slobs telling her to get it.

"I don't need help!" She hissed, drawing back from him. Now would be the perfect time to go away forever, to just blend in with the crowd until he could see her skinny body no more, and that would be the end.

"If you saw some one bleeding out of their mouth, would you tell them to see a doctor?" Emmett asked, using some sort of mind trick on her. He didn't know her well enough, he could use these on her all day and they wouldn't make a difference.

"Not if they didn't want to." Rosalie told him. "I respect the medical choices people make, unlike you." She had to start being a bitch to him, it was the only way he would go. She didn't care if she published her eating disorders in the newspaper at this point, she just wanted him out of her life for good. What was it going to take?

"Yeah, sorry I care about you." He snapped back. That wasn't right, Rosalie thought. He shouldn't be telling her he cared, he should be backing away, pissed off and angry, never looking back at her. He should be gone like all the others.

"You just met me." Rosalie told him, not believing that he actually cared about her like he said he did.

"So?" He said simply. He looked at her with his large green eyes, and Rosalie saw that caring factor, the one that made her throw away all of her friends years ago. The one she never hoped to see again. This time, she didn't have the heart to tell him to get lost and never come back. She wasn't even sure she wanted him to.

"Your crazy." She told him, and she meant it. If she meant it though, why was she smiling?

"I've been told that before." He answered, his face splitting open in a grin. "So what do you say, Rosalie? Cut the sourness?" So he did take hints, he just didn't listen to them.

"Sure." Rosalie said, after a moment of thought. She could handle having one person than knew, right? She had to stay on his good side, any way.

"Friends?" He asked then, smiling even bigger.

"Friends." Rosalie agreed, wondering what she was getting herself into.

_If he tries to get rid of us, don't say we didn't warn you. _A voice in her head told her.

And, for the first time ever, Rosalie ignored it.


	9. ghosts of toothbrushs past

_Anorexia is like a game: you play, you win, and then it's over. Or, you keep playing._

_-Anorexic quote_

* * *

One more week with Emmett passed. Rosalie discovered that her throat had healed, and she could resume her purging, which lightened her mood considerably, making her all around more likable. Don't tell Emmett this, he still thought that Rosalie had gotten help by now. He was so wonderfully blind to the world around him, Rosalie could be herself and not worry about him taking a comment badly or any thing, she was free from all the thoughts of him spreading her rumor around, and of him finding out she was back right to where he found her that day two weeks ago.

She actually found herself kind of liking him, as strange as it sounded. She started to look forward to the times they spent together, and they talked often outside of school. One night, he called her at three in the morning, just to tell her than he was thinking about her. She hadn't been up at the time, but that didn't stop him. It took him five voice mails to get every thing out, but he did finish eventually, and Rosalie didn't stop smiling the whole time he talked.

Emmett made Rosalie want to do better on her diets, so she could be totally perfect for him. He was probably the type of guy to want a perfect girl, and Rosalie had the will power to give it to him. This meant that she only ate when she felt like she was about to faint, and even then, it was just enough to keep her from passing out. As soon as she can, she would throw that up, making herself clean again. She loved the feeling she got of being totally, one hundred percent empty. She felt so light and graceful, like she was taking a step toward the perfection she tried so hard for every day.

And the beauty of it all, she still lost weight. At five foot six, she was nearing one hundred pounds, giving her hope that she might one day be the beautiful skinny person you saw in magazines. She could only hope, pray, starve, and purge her way there, and she was doing a good job of it. One day, she would be perfect. Perfection was the only way to live, the only way to make it in the crazy stage called life.

It also had it's drawbacks. Emmett was watching her now, Rosalie had never had one person always watching to make sure she didn't shed any more fat and pounds, and to make sure that she found some. She couldn't get rid of too much now, or she risked it all. Her way of life, the only one she could clearly remember.

"Don't make me do some thing we'll both regret." He warned her every day before they parted ways, a lasting goodbye that not once made Rosalie double think her actions. She had gone back on Ana and Mia enough simply talking to Emmett and letting him hold her emotions, the least she could do for them in return for not killing her every time she gave them the chance was to listen to every word they said to her, and to not complain while she was at it.

She lied to him every single day. Every day she told him, "Don't worry." When in reality, he did need to worry about her, but she refused to believe that herself. She could only hold onto to three things, the truths Ana and Mia told her, the lies Ana and Mia told her, and the lies Rosalie told herself. Rosalie didn't tell herself the truth any more, she was too used to lies. She was probably one of the best liars in the world, so good, she even fooled herself. It could be years before she could trust herself again.

Two weeks to the day Rosalie had her terrifying moment in the girls bathroom, she got a ride home from Emmett, like she did almost every day now. She didn't drive herself, she was too scared of having one of those moments were she was so dizzy she felt like some one picked her up and threw her across the room while she was driving. She had a hard time even standing when she was still at home, how did she expect to stay steady at the wheel of a car? She just felt all around safer with Emmett driving than herself. Besides, she loved having a few more minutes with him, even if they ended all too fast. She wondered why she ever even avoided him in the first place.

"Rosalie," He said, sounding like he was afraid of being bitten. Oh no, she knew just where this was going, "Are you sure you're doing okay? No offence, but you look awful."

"I'm fine Emmett," Rosalie told him, then broke out the familiar lie, "you have nothing to worry about." She couldn't feel bad about lying to him, she had lied too many times.

"I'm always going to worry about you." He told her, tyring to look at her and the road at the same time.

"Why?" She asked, "If I don't do the thing any more, why should you?"

He was quiet for a long time, and Rosalie wondered if she should just drop it and forget she ever asked it, change the subject maybe.

"Because Rosalie," He said, just when she was about to start a new topic, "I like you... as more than a friend."

Rosalie was stunned. Did he have to take the so shockingly first grade way of telling her? He couldn't have made it a little more high school leveled? But within the second, she forgot all about it, because there there three trains of thought running around her head.

_What are you think?! You can't date any one! He'll get nosy!_

_You shouldn't even be talking to him! _

_he is so cute..._

_Do I like him back?_

_No. No! NO! You don't! Shut up Rosalie or I swear!_

_Well he is pretty cute..._

_And sweet... _

_NO!! _

She didn't know what to say. She wanted to say she liked him too, and that she didn't mean any thing she ever did last week that might have hurt him because she was being too big of a bitch to let him in. She couldn't. She opened her mouth, and no sound came out, not one word.

"I'm sorry," He said right away, "I just totally crossed the friends thing, didn't I?"

"No," Rosalie told him, finding out how to speak again, "It's...okay." She was hesitant to say any thing, she didn't want to set any thing off, trigger a chain reaction inside her mind. She had done this so many times, and didn't want to do it again.

"I kinda like you too" She added in a much lower voice, like she was scaring herself by talking this way.

"Really?" Emmett asked, sounding both happy and confused, both at the same time.

"What's with the tone?" Rosalie asked, wondering how she could slow Emmett down to prevent him from getting to her house sooner. She needed to finish talking to him in person, not over the phone or text.

"It's just, I never guessed a girl like you would fall for me." He told her, color rushing to his cheeks as he said the words.

Rosalie laughed, "_I _never thought a guy like you would fall for a girl like _me." _

And it was true. Most boys hated drama, and Rosalie had drama written all over her forehead. Any one in search of reason only needed to look at her waist.

"Are you kidding?" he asked, laughing back, "You may have your issues, but who doesn't, you know?" He didn't get that Rosalie didn't have an 'issue' and that it wasn't going any where.

"I guess." Rosalie agreed any way, figuring an argument was some thing she did not want to get into right now with him, when the could be having a major moment. It was always best not to get her going on 'skinny equals problemed' when Rosalie wasn't even skinny to begin with. She had so much more weight to lose, she was only making a dent in her goals.

It was just then Rosalie realized they were outside of her house, and her mother's car was in the driveway.

"My mom is never home when I get back from school." Rosalie said, halfheartedly, wondering what could be going on. She unbuckled her seat belt and thanked Emmett for the ride, promising to call him that night. She was upset that she didn't get to finish what they were talking about, but there had to be some thing wrong. Rosalie knew for a fact her mother didn't get home until nine tonight, there was no reason for her to be home unless something bad was happening.

As soon as she opened the door, she knew what it was. Her heart stopped for a minute, and her breath caught in her throat. There, sitting on the side table in the hall, was the bloody toothbrush she had thrown away two weeks ago in the school bathroom, blood smearing and faded, but there none the less.

It was hers, and she was caught.


	10. She let her down

_You are what you eat._

_-Anorexic quote_

* * *

Alice's heart fluttered in her chest as she drove home, always at least ten miles above the speed limit so she wouldn't be late. She couldn't believe she had met Jasper, she didn't even want to believe that it was true. He seemed too perfect, and if Alice knew any thing, it was the if some thing was too good to be true, it was. She didn't expect him to ever text her, and if he did, probably only a few times, and that would be it. They would never see each other again for as long as they lived. She didn't know why she was allowing herself to get her hopes up, only to have them smashed all too soon. She should keep life the way she was used to living it, and not expand her regions. She was setting herself up for disaster.

"Where were you?" Mrs. Brandon demanded, clearly waiting for Alice to get home before she left for work. She didn't look too pleased with her oldest daughter at the moment.

"Traffic." Alice told her, taking her jacket off and hanging it in the closet. Right away, she realized her mistake. Luckily, her mother was already out the door, and did not pay attention to when Alice cringed, or fallowed her hand to the bump on her stomach. She had pulled yet another close one, and she had been having way too many of those lately. She would have to do better, try harder, or risk Ana getting mad.

Mrs. Brandon was already out the door, and Alice went to lock it behind her. The crisp October air barely came in from the outside, and yet it felt delicious on her skin. It made her forget how hungry she was for a minute, and only a minute.

Thank God, thank God, that at that Alice's baby sister, Cynthia, picked that moment to start crying loudly and in a heart breaking manner. Why was there always some thing about the cry of an infant that tore at your heart, even if you didn't know the child? Alice walked quickly to her nursery, which was painted light blue (they thought Cynthia was going to be a boy, and by the time she was born, no one really cared if the room color didn't match the gender) and picked the ten month old baby up in her arms. Cynthia was so warm and soft, compared to Alice's cold and bone hard body. Alice felt like a vampire in some ways whenever she held her sister, reminded of the differences they had.

And, as always, Alice gave her sister the same thought, the same prayer inside her mind. _Don't ever look up to me, _Alice would think, holding her sister close, _don't grow up to be like me. Don't let them get you. _This small wish always came from the tiny, wrinkled up little part of Alice that was still Alice, with few traces of Ana and Mia. All the other parts of her brain were crawling with the two best friends, and her thoughts reflected as such. _Don't you want her to be happy? She can't be happy if she is fat, idiot! _Alice knew that her sister had a good chance of getting an eating disorder, since it often ran in the family. The small part that was still Alice used all her pathetic amount of energy to make sure her sister didn't end up like her. At the end of the day, the only people to take care of Alice herself were Ana and Mia. Was it wrong to say that Alice was glad that they were the only two? That she didn't have to worry about a lack of self control, and could be glad that she could keep up some decent work? She sure didn't think so, and the pounds still came shedding off.

"Shh." Alice cooed, holding Cynthia close to her heart and bouncing her up and down. Just being held always seemed to calm Cynthia, like at any moment she thought that every one in the world had disappeared, and that she was all alone. Being held stopped those thoughts. Sure enough, within seconds, Cynthia was quiet again, and she started to act like she wanted to be put down.

Alice held Cynthia's middle while she tried to take steps, but she could never get her feet to fully complete a solid step, and even with the support of her big sister, stumbled.

"Next time." Alice told her, and took her to the living room, spilling blocks and small stuffed animals out for her to play with while she took care of some thing.

Alice didn't shut the door behind her when she went into the bathroom, this could take time and she didn't want to risk Cynthia crying and Alice not being able to hear her. Alice would never forgive herself if some thing happened to her baby sister because she was purging.

Alice located the toothbrush she used only for this purpose under the sink, and lifted the lid of the toilet so she could get the job done. Most people hated the feel of throwing up, Alice did not. Every time a warm and gross tasting stream of vomit came up threw her throat, she felt like a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders. The calories that passed through her mouth were a blessing to be rid of, even if she had to do so in this way, she loved it. The only thing she had to give up this time was the coffee, and she started to make sure that she got rid of all of it. There were calories in that coffee that she did not need, and never would. She had to get them out of her!

Same as always, in at an angle, hold for a second, repeat until mission is finished. Alice planned on three or four times, and knew she had her work cut out for her getting any thing out of her greedy stomach, desperate to hold onto even liquid calories. Alice plunged the end of the brush into her mouth, and did this until she felt the warm stream of vomit come out of her mouth. Unlike you would think, you get very little up when you force yourself to vomit. That's why you had to plan for a few times, so you could be sure that, little by little, you got all the unclean evilness out out.

Alice started on the second time, making the horrible gagging noises that came with purging. She sounded like she was trying to cough up some thing the size of a baseball, but she didn't mind the noise she heard in her own ears, as long as the food came out of her, it was all good. Alice was close to getting the second round done and starting on her third time, which made her glad. She was getting finished faster than she thought, and she could get out of here and make sure that her sister was still alright.

Then she noticed that she didn't have to check on her sister to see if she was alright, Cynthia had come to her. She had recently learned to crawl, and she was now down on the carpet, looking at her sister as she preformed the act Alice had wanted her never to know about.

Cynthia would forget. Cynthia would form her own opinion. Cynthia was too young to understand. If that was the truth, then why did Alice feel like she let her little sister down?


	11. Isn't that dangerous?

_Watch other people eat, and feel superior!_

_-Tip on most pro-eating disorder websites_

* * *

Alice put the toothbrush away the second she saw her baby sister watching could never allow that to happen again, when her sister became old enough to understand what Alice had done, would she attempt to try it herself? If she wanted what Alice had, and decided that if she did it, than it was okay? Alice had put the idea in her mind, whether it stuck to her memory or not. When she was older, would she get a faint flash of Alice kneeling over the toilet, with a toothbrush jammed down her throat? The very monster Alice was trying to shelter her from was flapping a tail, a fin, out of the water, splashing Cynthia in the face. How many more time would this happen?

Alice picked Cynthia put and took her back to the living room. She would pretend that nothing ever happened, to help Cynthia forget about it completely. After all, memories are never totally forgotten, maybe one day you will get a rendering of some thing that happened when you were very young, and in a flash, that memory would be gone. Just because they are not brought up, does not mean they are forgotten. Alice hoped this one would stay bogged down for many years.

While Alice watched her sister play, not able to comprehend what had just happened, Alice decided to check her phone for messages. She fished around her purse which she had flopped onto the kitchen table until her fingers made contact with her Voyager, and she yanked the phone out, unlocking the touch screen at the same time with a deft maneuver. She had two new text messages, one was from Rosalie, the other, from a number she did not have on her phone.

Alice's heart lifted into her throat, and for a second, she felt the familiar tingling to purge herself. It was never a good idea to stop right in the middle of purging, but she had to, it wasn't like she could do it with her sister watching.

Alice held back what had become her instinct however, and she opened the unknown text message, knowing who it had to be. He was sure early, he said tonight, and it wasn't even four yet. Alice added the number to her contact list before she opened the text message, not wanting to delete the only way she had to talk to him. The message was only a simple hello, and Alice quickly typed out an answer.

_Hey, what are you up to? _Alice sent it, hoping her phone didn't lose it. She had been having trouble getting messages through every time ever since she had dropped her phone while texting while she giving Cynthia a bath. She really didn't want Jasper to think she was ignoring him. You could only be ignored so many times before the person starts to drift away...

_Driving, you? _He answered within the minute. Well, some people had no sense of self safety.

_Isn't that dangerous? And I'm just watching my sister. _Alice pounded back as soon as she could.

_Not if you know how to do it right. _Jasper informed her. He was a seriously fast texter... didn't expect that from a poet, now did you? Expect the unexpected.

_If you crash and burn and die, totally not my fault. _Alice wrote back, hoping he would be able to take a joke when he saw one. As soon as Alice sent it, she wished she could take it worried if he would think she was a stupid little kid now.

_Haha, don't think I could find a way to pin this on you if I was dead. _He had answered.

_Good point. _Alice said, still wishing she hadn't sent that stupid message.

Suddenly, Alice wondered what she was even _doing _talking to him. He was a nineteen year old poet, and she was a sixteen year old Rexie, they didn't even belong in the same world. They should never have even met, and now Alice was talking to him like she had known him for years! What was she doing! It would be so easy to mess up every thing, years and years of painstaking work she could so easily mess up. And over what? A boy that she most likely would not even remember a year or two from now? She could mess up her entire life... and yet she could not put the phone down. A part of Alice died right then.

That scared her. It would be a good thing for her if the part that was still the vibrant and happy child she had been before she... well... you know, but for Cynthia, it would be very, very bad. If the larger part of her mind, the part that had been taken over by the parasite that she thought of as her God had died... Alice could not go on. Alice did not even notice that her phone was buzzing until it had been for a good twenty or thirty seconds, and she was able to snap out of her trance, to see the real world again.

And at that time, Alice knew the small child that had some how survived so long, who had become her sister's protector from the devil within, the devil Alice loved, had been the one to surcome. She didn't know what made her think that part of her was the part to 'die',but she was sure of it. Maybe because, even though she had been off food for four days, and purged any liqiud calories she had allowed herself to take in, she still was horrified at the thought of eating. Even more than usual.

Alice girmly looked at the phone. The new text message read, _What did you expect from a person who sees the world in a light? _

_That sounds so beautiful when you put it that way. _Alice typed back.

While she waited for an answer, she looked at Cynthia, playing on the floor, banging two blocks together and giggling. Now, there was nothing inside Alice that, even deep down, wanted her sister to have a different future than her. She told herself that she should start to show Cynthia the works as soon as she was old enough to understand weight gain, and even earlier. Alice wished that some one had been around to show her, she was totally in the dark when she was first starting out. Who knows, if Cynthia was a true anorexic and or bulimic, she would already be marked, set up for it like a train on a turntable. All she had to do was find her trigger, and bam! You've got yourself a domino effect. Maybe Alice wouldn't have to do any thing at all.

This wasn't Alice, but she didn't know that. She thought this was who she was and what she wanted, but it was not, in any way. It was the bug, the defect that stuck deep in her genetic makeup. She didn't really want what she was doing, but Ana and Mia, the two most poisonous people in the world, the two people Alice loved most, had conqured their last battle, Alice was now their puppet, to use as they wished.

As if on cue, her chest panged and stabbed with pain from twisting around to see where a crash came from. Some thing had simply fallen off a shelf, but the pain that racked Alice's body was enough to make her sit down and clutch her side. Nothing like that would ever happen again. Alice promised it to herself.

Her phone buzzed with a text message, and Alice almost expected the addresser to be from an Ana or Mia. To knock on her door and rub the fact that they had her in a little bit, before making her do some thing she didn't want to, to use her. She knew that they would start with making her never talk to Jasper again.

The text was not from the ghost of the people that Alice had come to call her friends, but from the very person they wanted her to pull and yank away from before it became too painful for her to do so, before she wanted him to stay with her, and she could not break the fabric of the cloth of life they had woven together.

_Peace cannot be kept by force, It can only be achived by understanding. _

_Albert Einstein? Poet can't come up with some thing on his own? _Alice asked, a smile creeping onto her face. She thought she was the only one left in the world that knew that quote.

_We all run dry at some point, give a guy a break! _He answered playfully.

_I'll see what I can do. _Alice answered, then, right after she sent it, typed out another one, _I gotta go, my sister needs me._

She didn't like lying to him, but it had to be done. She had to sort out her thoughts, new thoughts that flooded her system, and decide if she could handle talking to him or not.

Alice told herself that she had to do this, that if she just dove right into talking to him, she would regret it. She had to take things slowly, if she even did decide to speak with him at all. She didn't know, things could go either way right now. She didn't want him to get hurt if she kept this... friendship? Going for years, and then backed out when he started to suspect some thing was up with her, just like every one else did. Alice cared about his feelings, she really did.

_Ok, bye... I'm really glad I met you by the way. _Alice shoved her phone back in her bag, not bothering to answer this text message, to tell him that she was glad she got to meet him as well.

What gave him the right to say that he was happy that they had met? He barely knew her! She wanted to be mad at him because of this, to never want to talk to him, to let him slip away and become a ghost like so many other people in past had. She could have done it, easily, if she wanted to.

The strange thing was, she didn't.


	12. One day

_If it tastes good, it's trying to kill you_

_-Anorexic quote_

* * *

A few plans of action ran through Rosalie's mind when she saw the evidance right out in front of her. Her mother had not appeared in the doorway, so Rosalie had a few minutes to think before the rampage started. She considered just fessing up and letting fate take its course for one crazy second. She thought she could lie her way out of this, but she had no idea how she would be able to do that, there was her toothbrush, covered in blood, right on the table! Rosalie's fight or flight instinct came in, and she wondered how far away she would be able to run before she was caught and brought back here by an even more enraged mother. However, before she could pick her fate and act on it, Rosalie's mother stood before her.

At fifty, her mother wasn't young any more, but Rosalie's mother took care of herself in the little time she had. Her blond hair, which was exactly like Rosalie's, was kept dyed the same even whitish color as Rosalie's, and she made sure that she didn't gain any extra weight and stayed in shape. She wasn't as extreme as Rosalie, but she did a good job for some one who was content to be normal their entire lives.

Rosalie took a deep breath, and waited for the yelling to start. She was going to have to go into treatment, and she wouldn't come out for months. Rosalie had heard all the stories, it took months and months, and you never came out totally fixed... just... repressed. Rosalie didn't want to give up her feelings, it would be even worse than brainwashing her! Rosalie wanted to cry, but she was determined to keep a straight face. She had to stay strong.

"Honestly, Rosalie." Her mother said, sounding like she wasn't very shocked at all to have this news thrown out to her; like she had expected it the whole time. "I don't have time for this, make sure it _never _happens again, do you hear me?"

Rosalie was shocked. That was all? No yelling? She didn't even sound mad! Did she even care? Rosalie doubted it.

"Do you want to die?" Her mother went on to ask, sounding like they were discussing the weather and not Rosalie's bulimia. It made Rosalie _mad! _Couldn't she even pretend to care? Deep down, she was happy she was so... casual about it, like her daughters' eating disorder was more like a bill, some thing unpleasant but expected, some thing a part of every day life that could not be thrown away, but it was the way she asked Rosalie if she wanted to die or not that got her! Mrs. Hale acted as though Rosalie's life was some thing she didn't even care about. Like she didn't give a damn weather she lived or died.

Rosalie didn't know what to say. She had lost her voice, become a mute. She wanted to yell at her mother, and at the same time, hug her for not doing any thing Rosalie would hate her for. She couldn't speak the words she wanted to, because she did not know what she wanted to say.

Rosalie just shook her head, no, she did not want to die. She would humor her mother and answer, even though Rosalie had been through enough things close enough like this - halfhearted attempts to help her - to be immune to guilt trips. Been there, done that. The simple phrase was almost the very meaning of her life. Four words summed up sixteen years so wonderfully, so effortlessly.

"Then cut it out, Rose." Mrs. Hale huffed, then went off to some other part of the house. So she didn't strangle her daughter? Maybe.

Rosalie wanted to laugh at her. Forced into action only when she had to, and even then, her attempts were pathetic. Did she really think Rosalie would stop just because she asked her to? Was her mother that much of an idiot? Did her mother think that - should she pretend that Rosalie didn't have an eating disorder - she could make it so?

Deep down, Rosalie wondered if her mother was okay with it, simply because she would rather have a skinny daughter than a fat one. Had she thought some thing could be up many years ago, but chose not to act on them for that very reason? Had she fought a war in her mind, and picked anorexic daughter over binge eating daughter? Pathetic.

Just then, reality set in. Rosalie was in the clear! She wasn't going to be sent to some hospital full of other anorexic and bulimic girls who were just as miserable as she was. She could call Emmett.

She took out her phone and dialed his number, surprised that she knew it by heart already. Some how, that fact made her happy, like it was proof that she cared about this goof that had his own part in the toothbrush ending up in her hallway. Disgusted, Rosalie picked it up and carried it to the dumpster outside. May she never see it again, if there was a God in the sky.

Emmett answered his phone after the fourth ring, when Rosalie was starting to admit he would not answer, and she had started to plan what she would say on the voice mail to him, should she leave one and not just snap the phone shut. A silent tribute to not having any thing to say.

"What's up?" He asked, "Why was your mom home?"

"What do you want me to answer first? What's up, or why was my mom home?" Rosalie asked, a grin spreading on her face. "Nothings up, my mom just got off early." She lied. No way in hell she was going to tell him what just went down in the Hale household.

"Is that... normal? You sounded kinda freaked back in the car." Emmett pointed out. Rosalie knew he was telling the truth, so she couldn't get mad at him for it, but she had to lie fast to save her skin.

"No, not really, but what is normal, after all?" Rosalie said with a small laugh. Emmett did not laugh back. _You're blowing it girl! _Rosalie yelled at herself. Emmett could suspect nothing, as far as he knew, she had scared herself too much to ever throw up again, and he didn't even know about the anorexic part. She just had to keep her cool and act natural.

"So... umm..." Emmett said, sounding uncomfortable, "you know there's a dance at school?"

"You're asking me?" Rosalie asked, not all that shocked after the little chat they had recently had.

"Well, yeah." he said, in a voice that made Rosalie's heart stop.

"There'd better be flowers." Rosalie giggled, trying to sound dead serious.

"Red or white roses?" Emmett asked, a laugh peeking through his voice.

"Surprise me." Rosalie told him, throwing herself onto her bed back in her room. She felt like nothing she had ever felt before. Second only to making her weight loss goals.

"You've got yourself a deal." Emmett promised, traces of enjoyment in his voice as he humored the girl.

Emotions - happy, gleeful emotions - bubbled around in Rosalie's chest. It felt like her heart was laying tennis with her emotions, her strands of life.

Was it love? No, not yet. Could it be one day? The answer to that one, was yes.


	13. some thing you might not want to see

_An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person_

_-Anorexic quote_

* * *

_I want to see you again. _The text message before Alice's eyes read. It had been eight days since their chance meeting in Starbucks, and Alice and Jasper had been text messaging or talking almost nonstop since then. She knew she shouldn't, she was well aware that she should be drifting from him, not getting closer, but she couldn't let him go. She had never had much interest in boys before... or people in general, for that matter. So why was Jasper pulling her in so strongly when she repelled everyone else? How had he broken down her walls without even trying? Or had he?

_I wanna see you too. _Alice zipped off, wondering where this was going.

_Do you want to come over to my apartment? You can meet my roommates. _Jasper sent back, fast enough to clearly show he already had the plan in his mind. Alice had to laugh a little about the meeting his roommates part, a discreet way of saying they weren't going to be alone. Jasper was the only person Alice knew who could be so adorably awkward and pull it off.

_Sure, where do you live? _Alice asked, hoping she wasn't going to have to drive a long way. Then, she thought she should probably take the bus, since parking in Portland was as iffy as New York City.

It took Jasper a few minutes to get all the directions typed out, and Alice knew that area was right next to a parking garage, so she was good to take her car there. Alice hated when she couldn't find a place to park, you would think that in a town as big as Portland, they would have the room for a few parking lots.

_Okay, I'll be there in half an hour. _Alice promised, and rushed into her room to get changed. She winced as she pulled her top over her head; some thing had hit her side when she did it. The area didn't look as scary as it did eight days ago, but it still wasn't the prettiest thing to look at. Alice had looked it up on line, and it said that it could take up to two months to heal. Two more months of this, and she was ready to pull her hair out after only eight days. Of course, not eating never really helped...

Alice had lowered her calorie intake to a maximum of one hundred and twenty calories every day, a full eighty calories less. Even though she was trying her very best to only eat when she felt like she was going to pass out, Alice still knew that she was failing. She shouldn't even have to eat at all. If only she lived in a world where you could do that, where you didn't die if you ate too little, and didn't die if you ate too much. Every one in that world would be thin, because food had no effect on your weight. How wonderful would it be to live in a forever thin world? Alice could only dream. None the less, Alice did every thing in her power to only eat enough to survive, bringing her one step closer to making that world her own.

Alice changed into a flowing yellow top and jeans that would have been the perfect size two years ago. She didn't want Jasper to see how skinny she was, there was no way she could let him think any thing like that about her just over a week after they met! If he found some thing out after a week, where would they be in a month? Six months? A year? She had to stay hidden, and the best place to hide was in plain sight.

The drive to Jasper's apartment wasn't a long one, and as she got closer and closer, Alice's heart started to beat faster and faster, and her breathing got more and more shallow. What if she did some thing today that made him never want to talk to her again? The only person Alice talked to this much was Rosalie, and she lived three states away from her! She didn't want to lose him, and she could only hope he felt the same way about her.

When Alice got there, she had to force herself to knock on the door, and not just go back down the steps and drive back home, where she belonged. Looking back, she had no idea how she had made the drive there, she was so out of it now.

"Hey, you must be Alice." A brown haired girl said when she answered the door. She had a warm smile, and Alice's nerves cooled a little. Only a little.

"I'm Bella, one of Jasper's roommates." The girl told her, leading her into the apartment. It had a homey feel to it, and Alice could tell that the people who lived here loved their home. The walls were painted lime green, and the carpet was brown, a mixture that Alice had never seen match so good before. She could feel the happy emotions the had dug into the structure, making everyone that came in happy as well. Alice had no idea why she had been so scared. There was light music drifting around, which Alice found out came from a piano in the corner of the living room, played by a pale skinned boy.

"That's Edward, my boyfriend." Bella pointed to a boy with an odd yet nice shade of brown hair, and striking green eyes. He stopped playing when he saw the two girls, and stood up to put an arm around Bella. Alice smiled at how cute they looked together, like they were each others soul mates.

"Jasper's been talking about you." Edward told her, and Alice could feel herself blush as deep a red as some one like her could. When you live a self controlled life, you don't get the same aray of blush shades as you used too, only a sign that you were doing your job right. Edward chuckled a little at her now rosy skin and told her: "It's okay, Bella blushes much worse than you do." Which made Alice laugh a little. Bella playfully smacked Edward on his arm and laughed too. Alice couldn't help but notice that her skin was now a deeper shade of pink than it had been before.

"Hey!" Came a vice that Alice remembered all too well. She turned around to see Jasper, and her heart skipped a beat when she saw just how happy he looked to see her, like he had been waiting for this since they last said goodbye eight days ago.

"Hi." Alice said, smiling as well. It was like he could make every one in the room happy by being happy himself. Alice wondered if it worked the same way when he was mad or upset as well. Even though every thing was going good so far, she had only just got here, and her heart was still laboring so hard Alice was sure every one in the room wold be able to hear it perfectly, counting out the foot steps she made towards death, ticking down the seconds she had to live.

"Let me formally introduce you all, Edward and Bella, this is Alice, and Alice, this is Edward and Bella." Jasper said, coming to stand next to Alice. Now she was sure he could both feel and hear her heart beat, and she was starting to gasp a little. Being next to him was almost too much for her, and yet, she liked having him near her, so close to her. She didn't realize how much she missed him until just now, this perfect stranger.

"Thank you Jasper." Bella said, looking like she wanted to say some thing else as well.

"Yeah, you guys can go now." Jasper said in a joking voice, but the two people laughed and left any way.

"How long have you known them?" Alice asked once they were gone. They didn't look much older than him, but Alice was never really good at guessing people's ages, so she couldn't be sure.

"Four years, we took a fine art class together during our freshman year." Jasper told her, never looking away from her face. She felt her blood boil under her skin, and she tried to keep it out of her cheeks. There was no way she was going to blush in front of him.

"So you do poetry, I'm guessing Edward plays the piano, what's Bella's talent?" Alice asked.

"She paints. Very good at it as well." Jasper told her, pointing to a picture hanging above a mantel which Alice had not noticed before. It was of a field full of wildflowers, many different colors and sizes, and all looking life like. The sky above was sea blue, with a few gray clouds spotting it, lined with silver. The sun's rays danced gracefully over the flowers, and of a small river running through it. It was like some one had taken a photograph of it.

"It's beautiful." Alice said, wondering how long it took to paint that. It wasn't too big, but the detail must have been a pain.

"She loves it just like I love my poetry." Jasper told her.

"Speaking of which, you owe me a poem." Alice laughed, not thinking he actually wrote her one. When they talked on the phone a few nights ago, he told her he was, but still, she didn't know.

"I'm not sure if you want to read it." Jasper said, looking down for the first time.

"What do you mean? Of course I do!" Alice said, wondering what he could have written about her that would make her not want to read it. Some thing bad?

"Fine, here." Jasper said, handing her the book (which had been siting on a side tabel) and flipped to one of the last pages.

Alice's heart stopped beating and her blood ran cold when she saw it.

She did the first thing she could think of, the first thing that came to mind.

She left.


	14. what did that girl do?

_What do you want more? To eat for a few minutes, or be thin for the rest of your life?_

_- anorexic quote_

* * *

Rosalie couldn't find a dress for the dance in the entire regions of the local mall. They were all too huge, like they were made for the morbidly obese, not the beautiful thin girl Rosalie was. She had left her house right after she got back from a run at around ten, and she vowed not to leave until she had a dress, shoes, and every thing else she could need to look even more beautiful and dove like for Emmett. The boy who had met her by chance and changed her life. Best of all, he made no comment on the fact that she only seemed to be getting thinner, giving Rosalie no reason to make her secret die with him...

It was past two now, and she still didn't have a clue what she was wearing. Rosalie must have tried on at least fifty dresses, and been to every dress shop in the mall twice, yet there seemed to be nothing there for her. She saw many dresses she liked, and they all fell right off her. Did no one think that there would be such a perfect girl as Rosalie? So much so that a size did not exist for her? Rosalie usually went for large clothes - it made her look thinner and hid any amount of weight she lost - but the same could not be said for a dress, it had to be perfect.

Rosalie took a break from finding a dress, mad enough to yell at the people who worked in the stores, and found shoes instead. She didn't have to look nearly as hard or long, and had the perfect pair in less than an hour. Black high heels with white dots spotting it called out to her, and now all Rosalie had to do was find a black and white dress to match it. She really didn't like cutting it so close to the dance to find her dress, it was in less than two days, but Rosalie had put it off, shunning it from her mind. Finding clothes was always hard, and finding some thing in her right size was a down right chore to Rosalie. She hated it, and only did so when she really had too.

Rosalie ended up getting a size one black and white dress and figuring she would find a way to take in the sides when she got home. She really didn't want to mess it up and not be able to wear it, but she really didn't have a choice there, did she? She had given into the idea that there was not a dress in her size in this whole mall, and she was going to make the best of it she could. Even if it meant she had to learn to sew in two days, she was okay with it. In fact, it made her happy in a way. She had shimmied down to level where she couldn't even be sized in dresses any more, how could she not be happy? One battle won, only so many left to win, one more land to conquer was her own. She would win them all some day, make them hers once more.

The drive back home was filled with thoughts of how she was exactly going to fix the dress to fit her body. She had never sewn any thing before in her life, but she could look up how to do it on-line. Thank God for the computers of the world, saving people's asses at record rate. Hell, it thought Rosalie how to lose weight faster, how could you go wrong with that? Rosalie sure didn't know how you possibly could.

When she pulled into the driveway - thankful that she had made it to the mall and back without crashing the car and dying - Rosalie fished all three of her bags out of the backseat (she hated putting bags in the trunk, every thing tended to fall out and get every where, making life more annoying than it had to be for Rosalie... then again, the smallest things could set her off at times) and walked up to the front door. Just as she thought, her mother wasn't home. Most likely, she had decided to spend the night at boyfriend of the month's house and forgot to tell Rosalie. It wouldn't be the first time, and it wouldn't be the last, either.

She lightly tossed her car keys on the light wood table where the bloody toothbrush had once been, some thing that seemed to be haunting Rosalie's past now. Her mother had not said one word to her since the day she last saw it, but now, Rosalie was always jumpy, constantly watching her back, like there was some one out to get her. Was there? Was the person who found the toothbrush watching her? Rosalie had to mentally slap herself at that - she was becoming paranoid, not a cute habit.

The bags made an almost hallow sound as Rosalie set them on the ground, and she went to the largest one, unwrapping the dress from the sheets of tissue paper it had been hidden in. Protected from the world and any thing that could harm or stain it. Rosalie carried it to the computer and logged onto her account, lighting up an search right away. She quickly typed in 'how to take in a dress', and hit search. Rosalie found what she was looking for on the first link, scribbled down the steps on a piece of computer paper using a purple magic marker she found laying around.

It wasn't too hard, much easier than she had thought it would be. Within a few hours, she had the dress as nice as she was going to be able to get it, and she had managed not to prick her finger on it and bleed all over the fabric as well. Constantly slipping it on and off for measuring was annoying, but Rosalie was glad she just had some thing to wear at least now.

She carefully took the now fitting dress off her body after she modeled it one last time before hanging it up in her closet, secure in a plastic bag to keep it safe. Rosalie didn't want to spend hours more - no matter how easy the task - taking in another dress should this one get ruined. She wasn't even sure she would have time to do it now, the dance was the day after tomorrow.

It was now long dark out, the crisp and eerie sky menacing to Rosalie. She turned on every light in the house, so she didn't get the feeling she was being swallowed whole by it. Once every thing and any thing that could make a light was turned on, Rosalie nodded her own self approval. She hated the dark, it reminded her that she would always be the weaker person, the whimmpy fighter, all her life. What the darkness did not know, however, was that Rosalie was armed with lights, and was ready for an all out fight to the death.

Rosalie went to check her phone messages once she had compeleted her tasks, and saw only one new one. It was from Alice, and held only a very few, slightly chilling words.

_Rosalie, I need your help._

What did that girl _Do?_

* * *

**I feel slightly evil now, giving you a cliff hanger in a response to a cliff hanger O_o **

**And, I'm sure all of you will be glad to know that this story has almost my full attention now. Until this one is wrapped, I will only continue one or two other of my stories, and maybe have a one shot here or there. **

**Thank you for reading!**


	15. Never again

_Fallow the law, and you will be beautiful _

_-Eating disorder quote_

_

* * *

_

Alice had never been so mad at herself. She was blinded by her own rage, her own longing to just get this over and done with. Her own life was starting to annoy her, and today had only proved that she couldn't do any thing right.

A sixteen line poem had been written about her eating disorder. Jasper had been able to guess so soon, like it was stamped right in front of her, a glowing sign that warned all that saw her. She was blowing her cover, and there was _no _excuse for that!

The drive home was hardly bearable. Alice had to turn on her wind shield wipers when it started to rain, and the rain drops seemed to give birth to tears of her own, deep from inside her. She had really liked Jasper, and he was now on to her! He would always think she had a problem, and he was never going to let that go. If she ever decided to see him again, she would not be allowed to purge around him, she would have to make a point of eating, and she was going to have to put on a little weight... for a while, at least. There was no law that said she could lose it all back...

Alice did not even know what she wanted to do. Truth be told, she did not trust herself to think for herself at all right now, look where it had gotten her! A hoard of angry tears came into her eyes once more, and she wiped at them while she drove, trying to see past them. Alice hated crying, it was a sign of weakness, a sign that she had no self control. She was too ashamed of her pathetic tears to pull over and cry, she was going to keep driving, not caring if she crashed or not right now. Alice wanted to be home, whether home be in her house or up in Heaven or Hell, wherever she was going when she died.

Pulling into the driveway of her house was more like pulling into the driveway of a tome. The driveway was blissfully empty, free of the marks of some one being in the house, any of her family being home. They would not see or hear what she was about to do.

Alice went into the kitchen and knew she was digging her own grave. She was going into binge mode, the worst time for any person who gave a damn what they looked like. Binging was where you eat far past the point of being comfortable, and totally lose control of every thing. Eating too fast to taste any thing, and eating any thing in sight. Also, for people like Alice, it was fallowed by a round of purging.

She had every thing worked out in her mind, categorised many years ago: what was hard and easy to purge, what tasted horrible coming back up and what could be dealt with. Any thing that left a strong vomit smell could not be eaten, and what took the least amount of time to get out. It was all made in an attempt to lessen the effects of the hated yet unavoidable binges, making them easy on the scale, and easy on her throat.

_FLASHBACK_

It was December of Alice's sixth grade year, and she was sitting in her third period concert choir class. She was the shortest soprano there, and when all six periods got together for the concert, only one person would be smaller than her. Smaller, but not skinnier. Alice grinned in satisfaction when she thought of that. An evil grin, a monster like grin.

The class was on their feet singing 'Carol of the Bells' which was Alice's favorite song in the upcoming concert set. They were mostly singing Christmas carols, because of the month, but there were a few other songs thrown in, due to the fact that there was a wide span of people whom did not celebrate Christmas in the school.

_'Ding Dong Ding Dong, that is their song.'_

Alice sang in tune with every one else, trying to keep up with the fast pace of the never ending words, trying not to take a breath and lose her place.

"I want more power!" The choir instructor shouted above the already loud singing of three different voice groups, pounding harder and harder on his piano keys. The advanced choir class prided themselves on using only their own music, not tapes, for their songs. Alice and everyone else upped their voices slightly, and Alice tried to sing louder above the rest of the sopranos. She wanted a solo for the concert so badly, she wanted to stand out and show every one she wasn't a complete mess up.

As the song came gracefully to a close, Alice slowed her singing to just the right speed, and finished with a beautiful: _Ding, Ding, Ding, _and let the altos and seconds take over the rest of the ending, the last note being drawn out for at least fifteen seconds.

The finished only a few minutes before the bell rang, and as they were all exiting the room, Mr. Alexander, the instructor, asked to speak with her. Alice's heart lurched as she stood in front of his desk, hoping she knew what this was about.

"Alice, you have a very pretty voice as a group, and I would like to offer you a chance to sing alone," He told her.

_Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! _She yelled in her head, wanted to punch the air and jump up and down. She had been waiting for this moment ever since school started, and now she had it. She contented herself with a small smile.

"But I need to hear you as a single singer before I allow it, could you come in tomorrow morning?" He asked.

"Yeah, sure." Alice told him, sure that the excitement and happiness that waved her voice showed and rang, but she didn't care. He should know how happy he just made her.

Alice walked on a cloud all the rest of the day and night, proud of herself for the first time she could remember. She ran around the halls when she got home, trying to burn off some her happy energy. She could have hugged and kissed every stranger she saw on the street, Alice was so content with the world.

Then she got a little too smug. A little too happy, a little too comfortable in her own skin.

Those kinds of silly emotions were what landed her in the bathroom at four in the morning with her head arched over the toilet, a toothbrush in her hand, held like a sword. A magic wand that could make all her problems go away.

She puked her guts out that night, worse than any purge she had ever done before. She should have known being so happy could only land her here, in this land where was the place she felt truly safe and wonderful. She would never be happy in any other life, she had to make herself remember that. Or else she risked it going away forever, her two best friends being cleaned out of her for good.

Before she left for school, she could hardly talk. Alice left like she had swallowed a handful of chips without chewing them, or shoved dull hunks of glass down it. There was no way she could sing today, even if she had waned to.

The solo had been given to a tall, skinny blond girl, the solo that was meant to go to Alice. It was one of many things Alice had to give up for her own good.

_END FLASH BACK_

An hour later Alice had eaten more than she normally would in a whole month. She sobbed and hit herself, making a point to focus on her rib that still panged and groaned. She wanted herself to remember what happened when she got this way, what she _deserved _when she got this way.

She needed to talk to some one, any one. The only one who would understand was Rosalie, and Alice typed off a message to her as fast as she could. She just needed some one to tell her that she wasn't hopeless, that she wouldn't be doomed to be fat forever. That was all she needed.

That and...

She found the toothbrush easily, hidden under the kitchen sink. She carried it lovingly to the bathroom, and locked the door. She was about to make herself better, about to make herself happy again. Alice slid the familiar discolored end down her throat, and watched the food she had just eaten come back up again.

Just as she was finishing, she got a message on her phone, a buzz that made her head jerk up and her blood turn cold. When she saw it was only her cell, she laughed at herself, silly it was to think it was to think it was some one catching her in the act.

She opened it, thinking it was from Rosalie, and got ready to explain to her what was going on. About her horrid binge and her wonderful purge. It wasn't from Rosalie.

_I'm not leaving you. You're not alone, let me help you. _

Jasper.

Alice smirked, then opened the door and tossed her phone out. Jasper would never be hearing from her again.

* * *

**Yep, that's what Alice did, for all those who asked, she binged. **

**Now we're getting into the really good stuff, if it makes you feel any less bitter toward me. **

**You guys have no idea how much I love you for the reviews, favorites, and adds. This started out for me and only me, but now I see that it has touched so many people, maybe even helped one girl seek help. I hope that I don't let you guys down. **


	16. step one

_It is so hard. It is harder than any thing else I have ever done. But when I lose those last three pounds, the pain was worth the prize. _

_-Anorexic quote_

* * *

In case there is a reader out there that feels that this story hits a little too close to home, this is for you.

1-800-931-2237

* * *

Rosalie could not remember a time when she was okay with eating, okay with packing ounces away slowly but surely. Okay with eating candy and ice cream, and in fact, loving it. She wasn't sure if they ever existed.

Thoughts of a little girl without a childhood pestered Rosalie as she sat at her computer, a bright and colorful web-page open on her screen. The kind of colors that invoked happiness and were the center of joyful memories. No one would guess by looking at the back drop that this had been the resting ground for so many young peoples' lives. For, it you looked at the bottom of the screen was a dark haired beauty who had her mouth stitched up with ugly black wiring, a look of comfort in her eyes, barely laced with strands of panic. A less dramatic version of what had happened to every one of the dozens of girls that were currently on-line, a pro-Ana Mia chat room.

Rosalie had popped open a link to this site as calmly and routinely as some one who was shifting through cluttered eBay auctions and bloated my-space messages and friend requests. She pressed each letter on her keyboard as if she was digging out a shovelful of dirt for her own grave: Grimly, robotic. In a way, she was doing just that, pushing herself deeper and deeper into a hole she would soon be unable to claw herself out of, no matter how hard she tried. The thought barely nagged at her; the thought that she would die. Every good Ana knew there was a chance they would be killed, and they knew that if they died, it was for the best. Ana would take them to a place where they would be thin, a place where they would be happy. A reward for doing as she wanted when they were alive, for taking her where she wanted to be taken, and not listening to the loud grumbles of hunger.

Unless you did not allow Ana the pleasure of taking you to her Wonderland, and you got ahead of yourself, wanting so badly to get there. Suicide was not tolerated, the selfish, impatient ones who did would never be admitted to the fantastical land of Ana in the afterlife: Ana did not want to die, and Ana was inside you. You kill yourself, you kill Ana, you kill any chance you have at a good after life, if there was any. Ana would hand your soul off to some one else if you dared that rebellion, that form _of ungratefulness. _Ana did you a favor by wasting her time on you: So you had better damn well thank her for it, instead of killing yourself like some pathetic little baby.

Rosalie would not be a baby, she would be strong. She would make her Ana proud.

_No! I actually thought about recovery today! I can't do that! Why am I thinking so crazy?????? _A girl had typed, frantic in her own self fear.

Rosalie shook her head in distaste for this new arrival to the misleading chat room, clearly she was only 'attempting' Ana, trying to fool herself into thinking Ana had blessed her by coming into her body. A true Ana like Rosalie would _never _thing that, not even for the slightest second of madness. This poor girl was not only making all Ana girls look bad; but she didn't know what kind of Hell she was getting herself into.

_Then go to recovery and stop being a whiny twit. _Rosalie pounded out, her own anger being taken out on the keyboard. Anger at this girl, anger at herself, or anger at Ana? No, not Ana. Never Ana. Ana didn't do any thing wrong, she was Rosalie's angel. Her crying shoulder, her comforter at night, the love of her life. Rosalie could never get mad at the one she loved most, what kind of love was that?

_God, you a-hole. I thought of all places, people here would understand what the hell I'm going through! _The girl responded, her annoyance seeming to spring out in her words.

_No, people here do not understand, sweetheart. We are actual Ana's, not some spoiled little 12 year old who thinks she can get a little extra attention if she doesn't eat for a few days, and then caves next time she sees a candy bar. You don't know what hell is like. _Rosalie answered her, then logged off from the website, turning her monitor and screen off in the same second.

Pulling herself onto the couch on the opposite wall from the computer, Rosalie wrapped her arms around her knees, curling herself into a tight and loving ball. She was trying to bring herself some sort of comfort, like a person lost at sea. Her body was the raging maelstrom, and her mind was the harsh and unforgiving winds that powered it.

Rosalie did not want to hurt herself, and yet, the yearning pulled and yanked at her violently. Self-harm was what had gotten her this far, it being the last thing she would resort to if she felt weak and needy. Never more harm than was needed, never too little for her to escape without a scar to prove it. That was just what she wanted; a scar to remind her every day that she was a weakling that deserved to feel the pain of the razor blade.

_Flashback_

Rosalie was driving herself insane. Her body was tugging toward the evil, vile food, while her mind screamed for her not to, that calories were her enemy. There was no way she could end up happy tonight, and Rosalie had the horrible feeling that she was ending up locked in the bathroom tonight, the shower water drumming out the sounds of her coughs and gasps; steam wrapping around her like a blanket. Never warm enough, always too cold.

It was all she could do to not take off running and shove any thing even slightly edible into her mouth like a greedy pig, or as her body thought of it; The end of a famine.

The seconds of this late winter night were dragging on for her, each one making a deeper impact on her knotted up shoulders, the creation stress had made on her that usually was only seen on a CEO who was also a mother of four. Rosalie had no idea what to do, it had been two days since she last eaten, and she knew that she had to eat some time; yet that thought nearly drove her to tears, for if she started eating, she would be unable to stop.

That was when she found her own personal escape.

She started off with the razor she used to shave her legs, running it under smoldering water first, so the tips would be sharp as could be, and retaining a bit of that drastic warmth. That wonderful, coveted warmth that never seemed to visit her.

As good a place as any, she thought, would be her stomach. Hurt the part of her body that hurt so much , trying to find some thing on her starved body to feed off of when it was so weak already. Maybe it would soon find a small, forgotten patch of body fat to feast upon for a few seconds, before it greedily used it up too fast. For now, Rosalie slid the blade across her flesh, watching as a bright red line fallowed closely behind it. The burn told her to stop, the pain told her to go.

Rose never thought that pain could feel so good! So good, that she threw her head back as she bled and suffered, feeling as if she was having all the stress rubbed out of her body. A breathe she did not know she was holding was let out slowly, as she savored the taste of the air she was lucky to still be able to draw into her famished lungs. This was so much better than she imagined.

_End flashback_

Rosalie did not know where the tears came from, but they budded in her eyes and fell onto her cheeks as she lost herself in the past.

She was out of control.


	17. Are you ready?

_It doesn't matter how slow you go as long as you never give up. _

_-Bulimia quote_

* * *

Alice held her breath as she stepped on the scale not yet two full days later. She knew she had gained weight, she could _feel _the fat plowing deeply into her stomach, her legs, her hips.

A binge and purge cycle is one of the things Ana hates most of all. It scares her, makes her want to run and hide. Which is how the cycle can take you over and eat your mind while you gorge on food. Ana is too scared to help you. Constant eating fallowed by horrendous purging for weeks or even months on end, it took a lot to break the chain reaction Alice knew she was digging into her mind.

She knew first hand how difficult it could be: There was no Ana without Mia, even if it was only a little punch here or there. Alice had it bad at one time, eating up to seven thousand calories each day and setting a new 'purging record' for herself. Sixty-one times in a twenty-six hour period. It almost made up for all the crap she had eaten, but not all the way. Never one hundred percent.

The bright red numbers on the digital scale flashed her fate before her eyes, almost making her wish she had never weighed herself in the first place: In only two days, she had gained back seven pounds and three ounces. No. No, no, no, no, no! Oh God, oh Jesus. No.

Alice knew her metabolism was shot, and that she would quickly gain weight back if she ever started to eat normally again, but this was... outrageous!

The numbers taunted her, mocking her and her own weakness. Unable to move from shock and shame, Alice just stood on the scale, willing the numbers to go down to the number they had been at before, before she had met... _him. _

This was all his damn fault! If he hadn't gone and stressed her out, she would never have eaten anything, and she would be two pounds lighter rather than almost seven and a half pounds heavier right now! Jesus, he wouldn't take a hint, either! He just kept text messaging her and trying to call her, going on like she was actually talking to him! Saying all the stupid things like that she was only confirming that she had a problem, that he wasn't sure until she jumped off the face of the Earth this way and refused to talk to him. God, he was such an idiot! He should just mind his own damn business and butt out of her life like she wanted him to!

_You don't mean that. You _know _you're wrong. _The teeniest of voices in the back of Alice's mind whispered.

_Shut up! Yes, I do freaking mean it, get over it! he's just some nosy immature boy you met one day and are going to forget! _The louder, more powerful voice hollered, almost drowning out the other.

Fighting with herself. Nothing new, things like this had happened often since she first met Ana, but this was... oddly different. Sort of like Ana wanted to lose this time, like she was nearly tired of fighting. Almost, but not yet. Oh no, not for awhile yet. Ana had big plans for her yet, and it would be most unfortunate if Ana was disappointed, after all.

One second she was on the scale, the dreadful numbers now faded away like grace. The next second, she was knelt in front of the toilet, not even bothering to grab her special toothbrush just for purging. Slender, long, and fairly soft. Ideal for the job it was destined for. Rather, she just shoved three fingers down her throat in her hast, just wanted it _out _of her before it was too late.

She finished her task quickly, not wanting to take any longer than she had to.

Alice knew she couldn't go on gaining weight like this: it was killing her. At the same time, she knew that the worst was over, and from here she would be able to binge and purge without gaining so much back. It was like her mind was split in two, and she wanted it both ways.

She was in a mindless type state now, getting ready to leave for school and thinking about... nothing. Her mind was empty, empty, empty. As empty as she wished her stomach was.

* * *

Rosalie sat at the highly polished kitchen table, tapping lazily away at her cell phone with her head in her hand. She knew she should be pumped up - happy for the night she was about to be able to share with Emmett at the dance - but that this moment, she was too tired to feel anything. Rosalie hoped it would not ruin the evening, that she would still be able to have a good time and not wreck this for Emmett, yet another one of her short comings.

She had tried to eat something and keep it down, but it came back up again without trying or even wanting to. Her body was wrung out and felt tired and just ready to give up.

And at the same time, she knew she was never going to throw in the towel. Rosalie had never let herself give up before, she wasn't going to start now. And yet... she wasn't sure what not giving up even _meant. _The thought of recovery scared her, and the thought of possibly dying scared her even more.

Fear was a failure. Fear was a weakness, and weakness was unacceptable. She should take whatever was coming at her head on without a single second thought, and yet, she was always questioning her next move, wondering what she would do with herself and caught up with the future. Rosalie needed to focus on the here and now.

Now: Rosalie was dressed and primped to go to the dance, waiting for Emmett to pick her up. Now, half her mind told her that he was not going to come and that she should prepare herself accordingly. Now, she was a mess.

Now, she wanted a normal life. She wanted to _eat _like a normal person, she wanted to come home to her parents and not have to worry about if she was going to gain a pound or not. She wanted to be bored in school and hang out with her friends afterwords. She wanted to be caught and grounded for skipping school, and she wanted to be able to go into a store and buy a god forsaken dress.

Now, Rosalie wanted to go back a few months ago when she was happy with her life. Back when she didn't question the order that her chips had fallen, and enjoyed the rushing thrill of going days and days and days without eating a single thing. An empty stomach to her was a heart full of determination.

Now, Rosalie needed Emmett. She wanted him even though she hardly even knew him, and that he knew her secret. She had promised herself long ago that anyone who knew would be silenced, and that she would be allowed to keep up her 'dangerous' lifestyle until the day came when she would no longer be able to. If that day ever came.

The shrill doorbell broke Rosalie out of her train of thought, and the trail was forgotten as soon as she snapped out of it. Emmett was here, and Rosalie might be able to finally escape - if only for a few hours.

Emmett had two roses in his right hand - one red and one white. Rose had to smile at the inside joke, and was surprised at how different Emmett looked dressed for the dance. He was wearing a black tux with a white shirt under it - though no tie. Rosalie didn't mind, it didn't matter what he was dressed in right now. She did , however, like the fact that he had smoothed down his hair do it flocked around his ears rather than stuck on the top of his head.

"Ready, my lady?" Emmett asked, a big smile on his face.

"Whenever you are, slow poke. I didn't over look the fact that you were over two minutes late, you know." Rosalie answered with a grin. She felt like someone had knocked the sun into her, and the feeling was magnificent.

"Oh no, not two minutes! Can you ever forgive me?" Emmett asked dramatically, playing into her little game perfectly. He really was like an over grown two year old in most ways; the kind of boy girls complained that they felt like they were 'babysitting' when they went out on a date with them. Rosalie was sure that was her favorite quality of his.

"We'll see, it depends on how fast you can drive." Rosalie told him, stepping out of the door. Of course, her mother was not there to frock and fuss over taking a million pictures like ninety percent of the student body was currently enduring with gritted teeth and shrugged shoulders.

Not for the first time, Rosalie wished there was more distance between the school and her house. She wanted some more time to spend just with Emmett before she was thrust into a room full of hopping, happy teenage couples in love. Lukily, there was plenty of traffic to go around, and that at least doubled the time it took to get to the school.

"So... you are you... ya know, doing?" Emmett asked, clearly trying to drop a hint at what he meant without saying it. Of course he did not want to say it, nobody wanted to say the words, the words that made the whole thing real. She learned that from years and years of learning of people she knew on-line being caught, sneaking onto the websites when no one was awake.

"Fine." Rosalie simply lied, half wishing he would look her in the eyes and say 'tell the truth.' He didn't.

She knew it was better he think she was getting better. She wasn't sure which ways the tides would turn, and she _had _to be ready to dive even deeper into the world of Ana and Mia. How deep did that world get? Was there a depth? Or was there no depth at all, and Rosalie was only hanging around in some empty lake, waiting to be fished out.

It took another couple minutes for Emmett to find a parking spot, and once the car was parked, he raced to open to open Rosalie's door before she could do it herself. Normally, she might have wanted to prove that she was independant and coudl do it herself. This time, she allowed Emmett to get his way.


	18. Fool's gold

Alice was measuring herself – again. There was a certain art it, like every slap of the tape against her skin was the stroke of Leonardo da Vinci's paint brush, and Alice's own anxiety was that infamous artist angst.

Not that she was producing a master-piece.

Each number went down in an old notebook – every fluctuation in her size and weight had gone down in it for the last six years; it was very nearly full. The despair Alice felt every time she compared last month's numbers to the size she currently was like a stab to her heart, or something much more painful. She wondered why she ever thought she was fat at that weight – sure, there was a lot of work to be done, but right now, she would _kill _to be that size again.

There was no excuse for gaining thirteen pounds in a month.

Worse yet, there were people _mocking _her. Every _single _day, there were people coming up to her, and (the sarcastic ass-holes) would tell her how _good _she looked, how _healthy _she seemed. Alice knew exactly what they were really thinking: that she had no will power; that she was fat, lazy, and couldn't even make herself throw up or diet right. If only they knew how badly it hurt her to hear the world 'healthy.'

Alice finished by recording the size of her fingers, groaning when she saw she had gained weight even there. There are some places you just don't gain weight in, and your fingers are _supposed _to be one of them.

She wanted to cry. Alice could even feel the lump in her throat begin to form; the water gathering in the very back her eyes. No, she would not let herself cry – crying was what weak people did, and she had proven herself weak enough already.

She had proven herself weak, when she once thought she was strong.

After staring at the paper for several seconds, like a man on death row accepting his fate, Alice threw open the door of the bathroom and put on her magically happy front. She could have spent a half hour with her fingers down her throat, or maybe pinched every part of her body she could reach, looking for fat, but she could always walk out of the room and act as if it had never happened.

What a lie her entire life was.

No one was home; Alice was slightly disappointed that her wonderful acting skills were not going to be appreciated. It was only times like now, when there was nothing but dead silence, that Alice could hear her cell phone vibrate from the other side of the house.

Hoping that it was Rosalie – Alice had not heard from her in quite a while – she went to retrieve it. Once she grabbed it off the kitchen counter, Alice quickly looked at the caller I.D. before answering; once again, she was disappointed: it was her cousin trying to call her.

"Hey, Emmett," Alice said, trying to mask her dissatisfaction.

"Hey, what's up?" He asked.

"Nothing… didn't you have a date last night? How did it go?"

Once the conversation had shifted to his love life, Emmett seemed to spark into life. "It was amazing, Alice. Absolutely _perfect." _

This got Alice's attention – usually, the only thing Emmett talked about when he described his dates was how 'hot' or 'sexy' his date had been. "What was the girl like?"

Emmett sighed, "I can't explain her. She's just… perfect."

"Well, what's her name?" Alice asked, wondering why it was so hard for him to throw out a couple of adjectives and be done with it.

"Rosalie Hale," Emmett answered.

Alice had to chuckle at the irony of it all – she had known that her cousin lived in the same city as Rosalie and that they were about the same age, but… well… _fuck. _She wanted to share this amazing coincidence with Emmett, but there was no way in hell she was going to explain how she had met Rosalie….

"I'm glad you had a good time," Alice said, stifling her laughter.

Emmett didn't sound happy. "What was the laughing for?"

"Nothing – I'm just glad you had fun!" Alice insisted.

"Well, good… because I did."

"Good."

"Good," Emmett countered, as if they were having a battle for the last word.

"Good, and now, I have to go." Alice lied, wanting to call up Rosalie the moment she got off the phone with Emmett.

"Okay, I'll talk to you later, I guess." Emmett said lazily, like he was surprised by the abrupt ending.

"Alright, I love you,"

"Love you too," Emmett said, and then hung up. Alice always hated when he hung up only a second after saying good-bye… what if she had come up with something important to say?

Nevertheless, Alice did not waste time scrolling through her contacts and bringing up Rosalie's number. She answered on the fourth ring, and sounded like she was severely hung-over.

"You sound like death," Alice told her, flopping down on the living couch and sprawling out.

"I _feel _like death – someone spiked the drinks at the dance I went to last night." Rosalie groaned. "God, I was falling all over the place and acting like an idiot!"

"Well, you'll never guess who your date was!" Alice said, excitement dripping from her voice for the first time in… she didn't even remember. "He's my cousin!"

Rosalie was silent for a moment, "that's a load of shit, and you know it."

"It isn't! I swear," Alice said, slightly annoyed that Rosalie didn't believe her. "You have to stay with him, if you guys got married, we'd really be family!"

Rosalie didn't answer for several seconds – Alice was about to ask if she had heard her or not. "Alice, I don't think I can talk to you any more."

"_What?_" Alice asked, sure she had misheard her.

"I can't talk to you. I'm going into treatment, and… well, it's not like you'll be a good influence on me."

Alice could not believe what was coming out of Rosalie's mouth – if _anyone _was dedicated to Ana and Mia, it was Rosalie. Now she was going to give it up?

"Are you _sure?_" Alice asked, panic seeping into her voice.

"Yes, Alice, I'm positive." Rosalie answered.

Alice shook her head, even though Rosalie would not be able to see it. "It doesn't mean we have to stop talking! I just won't talk about Ana and Mia to you."

"It's not what we talk about," Rosalie said, like she was talking to a child. "You bring back memories."

"So you're just going to forget we were ever friends?" Alice asked, mad now. "What, was our friendship always about you just having someone with an eating disorder to talk to?"

"Yes, it was!" Rosalie said, "don't pretend it wasn't the same for you, too. We would never have met if that wasn't what we wanted!"

"Whatever. Good luck in treatment." Alice hung up before Rosalie could say anything else, sure that she would be talking to Rosalie again before long.

That was how it always went – you go to treatment, last a couple months in the normal world, and then come back to Ana and Mia. There was no such thing as taking the eating disorder out of your heart; as long as they were there, you would always come back.

Always.

Rosalie was fooling herself, Alice was sure. Had she forgotten all the people they had both talked to who had been to treatment centers five or six times? It _never _made a difference. Besides, treatment was hell. Eating disorder hell, that was what one girl had called it. She would never make it.

Just to prove it to herself, Alice went back into the bathroom, and made herself throw up. It was deeply satisfying to feel the acid burning her throat; taste the sourness that would always be stuck to her index and middle fingers. It reminded her that she was doing everything she needed to get lose the weight that she had so horribly gained by binging, and that, someday, she would be skinny once again.

* * *

**This update is long over-due, I know. **

**Unfortunately, I relapsed into Bulimia last August. Despite my experience with eating disorders, I was sure that this time, I could make myself stop when I wanted to. Needless to say, it didn't really work out that way. As of right now, I don't know what's going to happen - whether I'll go back to residental treatment, out-patient, or just rely on the skills I've learned in my past recovery attempts. **

**I can't say when this story will be updated again, but I am promising to you right now _it will get finished. _**

**As always, thank you for reading. **


End file.
